Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

A second Nigerian was arrested locked in a plane this week? Look guys, maybe we should start helping them claim their lottery prizes.

Minutes on a microwave are longer than actual time-keeping minutes, right?

Thunder and Lightning, a Phoenix Christmas miracle

I'm pretty sure Avatar is the most amazing movie I've seen in my whole life.

Anybody wanna see Avatar today? We could take pictures of ourselves seeing Avatar and set it as our avatars.

I hope Obama isn't mad I'm moving.

The startup I founded just got its first round of funding! I report to Vancouver, Canada Jan 28th. I couldn't be more happy!

That's the Brown's first rushing touchdown of the season? No wonder LeBron thinks he can play football.

Honesty is the best policy, shortly followed by "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

Toby Gerhart, lowly HR Rep for Dunder Mifflin is up for a Heisman trophy?

I'm sick of the NFL playoffs. Can't we just create a committee and computers to judge how good teams are, regardless of their records?

Kurt Warner to the Vikings: "Get off my lawn."

Last night was more random than Luke Wilson being in a television commercial.

Remember guys: Kurt Warner versus Brett Favre tonight, so get all your good "old white guy" jokes ready.

Getting the hang of WoW, I did my first Warsong Gulch (Capture the Flag) last night and took first place! :) Screenshot: http://9.gp/ch3

Guys, guys, guys, I can see my breath outside!

(This is the Phoenix equivalent of a "first snow.")

I'm trying to find the words to describe this burger without being disrespectfullllllllllllll

These high school kids are throwing footballs into giant Dr Pepper cans for scholarship money.

This is everything wrong about America.

I saw Insane Clown Posse bumper stickers at the gas station tonight. It sent a shiver down my spine; there are ICP fans that can _drive_

If my spouse ever sends me bitchy IMs about our financial future typed like a 7-year old - I'm divorcing her. #johnhancock

Kinda hard to win when the refs aren't cheating for you, eh Florida?

Even God hates New Moon: http://9.gp/ch2

THE MONKEY IN THE SHRINE OF THE SILVER MONKEY IS THREE PIECES. ONE OF THEM IS QUITE OBVIOUSLY A HEAD ON A STICK. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

"You have been outbid on Nickelodeon Aggro Mega Crag GUTS Agro Cragg Rock - Glow (170412890976)" - This is probably for the better.

Bing was down for 3 hours today. Did anybody notice? Yeah, me neither.

"Back to Moe."

"Thanks Mike!"

Drinking Game for "Jersey Shore" tonight: Whenever they drink, you drink.

The next person who sends me a horse on Farmville is going to get said horse's head where they sleep.

It's really hard to pick my favorite part of Steven Seagal's Wikipedia article

I can't decide what's worse, Gay marriage failing in New York or Nickelback getting nominated for a "Hard Rock" Grammy.

Fine, nobody wants to play Sumotori Dreams http://9.gp/chf - But I just played my sister and it's the BEST EVAR

(Also, she's bad at it.)

Taylor Swift thinks that boys wouldn't date her because she wasn't "popular" enough. In reality, it's just that we REALLY hate country music

Freelancing has several advantages, but the Christmas Party is always boring.

Plus I picked myself for Secret Santa this year, again!

Fact: By saying "Fact:" in front of a statement it automatically becomes fact.

Passed by "In Touch Ministries" in Tempe today and had a good laugh to myself

I don't need an Amazon Wish List, I just link people to this page: http://9.gp/cg9

Jamie Martin search ranks: Google: #2 (Finally!), Yahoo: #4, Bing: #1 and #2, Ask: #1

Yahoo! is dead to me.

People say that Obama hasn't done anything for us, but may I remind you that nobody got trampled to death this year on Black Friday?

Wow Canada, you've got this whole Super Bowl thing down pat, complete with terrible band playing before the game and everything!

Grey Cup Pre-Game streaming live here: http://9.gp/cg4

It will also be on espn360.com

As a Vancouver fan, I have to go with the Alouettes

Oh Crap Leinart is playing. I should have played the Titan's defense this week.

Hell hath no fury like a pug who's sleeping on a bed you need to make

I'm not Israeli, but I do have some tendencies that seem so. You could say I'm Jew-ish.

YouTube comments are the Mos Eisley of the internet

Having a conversation with @smashedpotatoes and she mentioned "bearboxing" - I don't think I'm quite man enough.

For Black Friday I ate a bunch of watermelon.








What? It was on sale. I bought it at midnight.

His last name is Woods, and that's where he crashed into.

I wonder what kind of driver Tiger Woods was using.

Sometimes I get worried that I'm going to use an NFL telecast or any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of a game without their consent

The NFL game keeps cutting to soldiers in Iraq wishing everybody a happy thanksgiving. Nice to see them doing SOMETHING for their country.

I can't find my Grandma's house on Foursquare

For Thanksgiving I'm going to eat with all the Indians whose land I've occupied and women I've stole.

(It's just one guy, but still...)

Am I on Team Edward or Team Jacob? I'm on Team "Shut the Hell Up."

As hot as it is today, some of us Arizona residents will be cooking our turkeys on the sidewalk this year.

Obama just caught a pass from Drew Brees, providing the most help a president has ever given New Orleans.

I like tofurkey. I'm not a vegetarian or anything, but the idea of trick foods is amusing to me.

Matthew Stafford is actually playing this week. What a bad ass.

If that Pikachu uses Thunder Bolt, Times Square is screwed

Oh fat boy scout on Jay Sean's float; You are the best.

Things I'm not thankful for: Meaningless mass text messages

So excited for the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade!

If Adam Lambert shows up and starts humping Snoopy I'm going to be pissed.

Just got off the freeway, REALLY could have used a red shell.

Waiting with my little sister to see "Ninja Assassin" - You know, for Thanksgiving

Look, I don't know what's wrong with the water in Sweden, but their fish come out red and gummy and this is a cause for concern.

These Socialist bastards give away free luggage carts at the airport! Glenn Beck was right!

Highlight of Canadian TV: Watching "Pyramide" - $20,000 Pyramid in French

Mooses, Moosum, Meesum, Meece, Meeses?

When road-rage occurs in Canada, the drivers throw their gloves off before they fight.

I can't watch Hulu in Canada? No wonder they hate Americans.

Everybody here wears boots. Nancy Sinatra sure was right!

Person next to me has the last name "Hazard."

Fun first names I've thought of: Chemical, Water, Safety, Nuclear, Dukesof

That field looks like I'm in charge of it

The Patriots punter is named Chris Hanson? Why don't you have a seat over there...

The Virgin Megastore at the mall is now a FYE. I don't feel comfortable shopping there as their CEO doesn't windsurf with nude models

Santa is at the mall posing with DJ Hero. God bless us, everyone.

I'd rather watch two hours of an actual new moon

New Moon beats the Dark Knight for biggest opening weekend ever.

Thanks a lot, females. (And gay dudes I guess.)

Dear Texas Christian University,

No need for the "Christian" in your name. Once we see the "Texas," we know.

Have a baby by me, baby, be a thousandaire

I saw lots of weird-looking girls out last night, there must have been a New Moon out.

Is Oprah going to take the Jay Leno route of retiring, taking 5 months off and then having another crappy show an hour earlier?

I've seen like 6 synagogues here in Tucson. More like Jewscon, amirite?

I've been developing a bad dream ranking system based on Lady GaGa music videos. Last night was a "Bad Romance" dream.

Getting my passport sorted for a very very exciting business meeting in Vancouver this week. Anything I should do while I'm there?

"Sweet Fire Chicken?" That's cute, Panda Express, no really it is. Just give me 6 servings of Orange Chicken and nobody gets hurt.

I sure wish Fox would animate that football robot comitting suicide

Beggars can't be choosers. Unless you're king of the beggars, then I assume you take a middle-management-type role.

They arrested the Jolly Green Giant on charges of conspiracy today. I always suspected the dude was a plant.

HOLY CRAP 5 EMAILS AT ONCE! oh yeah I just bought something on eBay. False alarm people, everything is okay.

http://9.gp/ce6 - Wait for it…. Waiiit for it….. Waiiit for itt….

The fact that I got Google's GPS Navigation working on my G1 would be quite the feat if I actually had an exciting life with places to go.

What happens when you select "Military Base" at PizzaHut.com? Do they bring it to you in a tank? Do they zig-zag to your door?

It's "Veteran's" day? Ugh, my Veterinarian is going to be so confused by the flowers she's getting.

Oh sure, it's cool when a rock star smashes his guitar at the end of a show, but when I smash my laptop I'm "wasting company equipment."

For all intents and purposes, rocking a rhyme that's right on time isn't very tricky.

SimAnt is a great game, and still blows away any modern ant simulator.

Donovan McNabb is sure playing like he doesn't even CARE about my fantasy football team. How selfish.

"It's too many swords and not enough bones. It's sword overkill." - My Dad on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers current logo

I bet Tony Dungee plays the hell out of his DVR

When can I schedule my death panel?

The healthcare bill passed? Oh no, Grandma! Somebody keep an eye on
Grandma's plug!

Does anybody else find these Southwest "bag" commercials creepy?

I hate people who run marathons. If that makes me a racist, so be it.

Added to the list of future dog names: Hil-dog-o

I keep reading about "Crunchy Leaves" in my Google Reader and Twitter streams. They must be serious business. We don't have any here. :(

Hey Canada? We got you a present, it's called "Maine." It's "The Pine Tree State," they have lots of lobsters & clams. Enjoy!

Speaking of WoW, does anybody here play? I'm thinking about giving it a shot, have some n00b questions.

A "PUG" means "pick-up group?" All these people in Guild Wars and World of Warcraft aren't meeting over chubby curly-tailed dogs? :(

Let me get this straight; James Cameron has made a movie about usericons?

Possible sequels to Farmville: Citrus-Pickerville, Carpentryville, Nike-Sweatshopville.

All of my Facebook friends are pressuring me into farming. This is a type of peer pressure I never foresaw.

What in the HELL is happening with the Cardinals? :(

I am such a slutty covered bridge

Aw cute, those boys from Arizona State dressed like a football team for halloween this year.

Christopher Walken preforms Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" http://9.gp/cej

Can't think of a costume? Go to Wikipedia's random article and add "Slutty" in front. I'm going as a Slutty Covered Bridge.

Excuse me, ghosts, are you saying BOO or BOO-URNS?

Domo Kun at 7Eleven? What a sell-out.

This whole time I thought the Arabs were paying to "A-Ha." (This is why the majority of them want to take on me.)

The Travel Channel is running a seven-hour live episode of Ghost Adventures tonight. Making me want to travel to where there is no TV.

Looking for a girl who's D.T.S. (Down to Snuggle)

I think this acronym could catch on.

Jeff Dunham made $30 million in 2008. He was the 3rd highest grossing "comedian" behind only Seinfeld and Chris Rock. Thanks, America.

I'm going to be twitter for Halloween. People will give me lots of money, I'll take it but I still won't function correctly.

Murder is the ultimate form of tough love.

The Redskins are crappy and from Washington DC, I wonder if they're
run by lobbyists.

This Day at the Office cubicle karaoke is amazing. Does anybody know
what company this is? http://9.gp/cdz

Wow, having some major host issues this morning. All of my client's sites are down. I'll have to contact Geocities about this.

If you're looking for me at #phxdw I'm the dude with the beard and glasses checking twitter. Hope that helps.

Look, Taco Bell's black taco makes me nervous. I'll come out and say it.

If that makes me a taco racist, so be it.

Michael Jackson is making it big in the underground music scene now.

AT&T could solve all of their bandwidth problems if they'd strip all those "Sent from my iPhone" email signatures that nobody cares about.

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. - http://9.gp/cdm

I'm sick of seeing all these discriminatory "Beat Cancer" updates. My astrological sign is not a choice people! It's what I was born with!

If there's one thing I can be proud of; it's the fact that I've no idea who "Jon and Kate" are.

When a turkey dies, is it surrounded by turkey vultures?

According to Wikipedia one of the nicknames for Phoenix is "Bird City."

Is anybody else in #phx using this? I'm totally going to start.

Gary Busey fighting a werewolf in Silver Bullet. Why they say Citizen Kane is the best movie of all time is beyond me.

That Matt Leinart sure holds a clipboard like a champ, doesn't he?

Arizona State wins, California loses.
Being a Devil is always better than being an Angel.

My life could use an instant-replay official. I could send it to the booth while on a date.

"The ruling on the field stands. First base!"

lol, Ohio State. amirite?

Is there a retail place in Phoenix that usually has the best prices on (Computer, not Dodge) RAM? Fry's maybe?

Our mesh screen door has a lock on it: This stops any retarded criminals or really clever bugs from getting inside.

Balloon Boy Gets Scolded: "You're going to be a last-minute (Halloween) costume now!" "They put you on Up posters" http://9.gp/ccj

Falcon! You're stuck in a balloon! Do a Barrel Roll!

Falcooooooooooooooon news conference!

I bet that baloon kid is GROUNDED.

Get it? Get it?

Look, I do these for free, and I'm under a lot of pressure here. Cut me a break.

Finally, Auto-Tune the News #9 is out! http://9.gp/cch

Does anybody want to help me take the two pugs to the dog park and/or go see Where the Wild Things at the Imax tonight?

I like to make it rain. I call it 52 Benjamin pickup.

A Cemetery in Paris - Where Oscar Wilde's things are

Webring powers - activate!

I'm pretty sure that Alex Albrecht co-hosts Hell with Satan.

If I started my own Pho restaurant I'd call it "Viet om nom nom."

Of the 80 or so podcasts I subscribed to over the weekend; http://themoth.org might be the most incredible. I wish I knew of it earlier.

Some people think the Phoenix Suns' "U R ORNG" marketing campaign is hip and fresh, but THEY R STPD

In some states you're legally required to report any ghostly activity when selling a home.

This includes any visits from the Olsen twins.

I'm not a gold-digger, but I definitely don't want some broke girl.

I'm more of a tin-digger.

Happy Columbus day! I'm going to go "discover" one of the Indian reservations today and colonize it. Who's with me?

Got my podcasts set up. BeyondPod syncs with Google Reader, pretty slick.

Listened to a show called Distorted View on the morning drive.

Being the third wheel in a group of three men is a new feeling for me.

Podcast nerds: I would love suggestions of videocasts/podcasts I should subscribe to. Or how to find them. I've never really tried before.

If Kanye interrupts Jim and Pam tonight when they get married, I'm going to be pissed.

I imagine crab-fishing in Alaska is a walk in the park compared to the job of a rug-repoman.

Store down the street is advertising "bank-siezed rugs" the concept of which, blows my little mind.

Store down the street is advertising "bank-seized

Store down the street is advertising "bank-seized

Miley Cyrus leaves twitter and LOOK WHAT HAPPENS GUYS.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

A crown is all that separates Where the Wild Things' Max from being just another gross furry.

Did you know there are 11 URL Shorteners with 3 characters total? I made a list here: http://9.gp/ca5

If you leave out the hyphen in "obsessive–compulsive disorder;" you're not.

Hey Flagstaff people, I keep hearing reports of snow, but I don't see any here: http://tr.im/B1yA

I like my weather like I like my women: 75 and droppin low!

I bet it's embarrassing when plurk employees show up for work at the twitter offices on accident.

You think it's lame that I'm the mayor of this gas station on foursquare? This Shell station is NOT a democracy. I demand silence.

-I bet you think I'm here at Subway, silently judging people based on the sandwhich they get. That's so BLT-on-wheat of you.

Oh look who shows up, late as usual! And is that alcohol I smell on your breath, autumn? I'm so disappointed in you.

I think that man drives a Saturn because that's about how large he is.

The camper shell protects the back of the truck from the elements and the owner of the truck from pretty girls.

Mike Rowe not only answers my question, but questions my karma and sings for me! I'm smiling so big right now! http://tr.im/AUHb

Shazam accidentally ran in my pocket and came up with "Britney Spears - Touch of my Hand."

I am being 100% serious.

I have some beta invites to a beta invite, anybody want them?

"1. Unzip and check out this readme file."

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING YOU DUMB SCRIPT

My friends think that H1N1 either means "Humans 1, Nanovirus 1," or he's R2D2's evil twin.

Sure our kids will be pissed when we leave the earth in ruins, but moreso when they turn on the oldies station to hear the Ying Yang Twins.

Does BoingBoing think it's April Fool's day?

When Arnold Schwarzenegger gets people to add him on twitter, I hope he says "follow me if you want to live!"

"What we gon do with all these bumps, all these bumps inside our truck!" - A flamboyant speed-bump installer

It's appropriate that the Jay Leno show follows Trauma, since both shows feature a lot of flat-lining.

They say that Americans aren't willing to do hard labor, false!

Practically all my friends have a Farmville Farm they work all day on.

I'm not the only one who reads "H1N1" as "Hiney," right?

RIGHT?!

The startup I founded got going last week. We got an offer from an angel fund on Saturday without even having a working model. Exciting!

The most unrealistic part of Zombieland was that they didn't stop and gas up that Hummer every 10 miles.

Does anybody want to go see a Zombie Matine today? A "Zombine," if you will.

Google Voice transcriptions = Mad Gab 2.0

Google Voice transcriptions = Mad Gab 2.0

"ZombieLand" is a movie about Glen Beck supporters, right? #tcot

I sent out Google Wave invites to everybody in the world.

Yes, even you.

If foursquare recognizes me as the mayor of city hall, is that legally binding?

Favorite pasttime: Reading everything I see in quotation marks in a really sarcastic voice.

I fell into a burning ring of pliers.

We're playing the Indiana Fever, or as I like to call them: "Swine Flu."

Somebody just ALMOST dunked, it was intense.

I'm probabaly not the first to go to a WNBA final by myself right? Butch lesbians get stood up too.. right?

Guys?

Uhhh.. I guess I'm going to this WNBA playoff game by myself. If anybody wants to come call/text me I have extra tickets :| 602-412-1942

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to phish and you get him lots and lots of MySpace passwords.

Nissan also has an SUV called the "Quest." If you trade your Quest in do you get gold?

Why would Nissan name their big SUV after something sneaky like "Rogue?"

Should have gone with "Orc" or something...

Saturn is being shut down by GM? First Pluto, and now this?!

Who's in charge of waking up Billie Joe Armstrong today?

.ly domains from Libya are $75/year.

You'd think with that maybe they could afford to put something on their flag.

Your move; Libya.

Are we going to have to make a swear jar for "that's what she said?"

Time spent at a bar can be measured by how many times "Don't stop belivin'" plays per hour.

2/dsbph

The best trip of all time? http://tr.im/Ahb3

After 5 calls, if Guest 21 doesn't pick up his order soon - he's going to find his food has disappeared.

Sincerely Yours,
Guest 23

BrightKite or Foursquare?

I'd like to be a dermatologist with the clinic "Zits or GTFO."

It's probably inappropriate to call these cupcakes "C-Cups."

In my defense, it's about how big they are.

These Tsunami warnings are brilliant viral marketing on Google Wave's part.

When singing Cher's "Believe," if you don't include the echo's on the chorus; you're phoning it in.

This ear-screechingly off-tune karaoke version of "Higher" is slightly less annoying than the Creed original.

Everytime you send a blank email with a non-formatted word doc attached, an angel gets pissed off and doesn't read your email.

Tsunami watch? Tsurely you can't be Tserious!

Quicken Online is automatically sorting some of my purchases into "My Kids."

Intuit knows something I don't.

The Cardinals lose, the Lions win, I take a shower... Yesterday was opposite day or something.

"Your honor, there's no way I commited these crimes on that night. If you would follow me on BrightKite or FourSquare you'd know already."

Almost time for lunch, Om Nom Nom Kippur, amirite?

Yom Kippur is a day of attonement, which doesn't make any sense because there aren't many Jews in The Philippines.

Are real men allowed to consume Activia? I'm asking for a friend.

Am I evil for liking Quicken Online? It seems nice, and it's the only Bank 2.0 site that supports the credit union I use: bank1440.com

Detroit ending their 19-game losing streak against Washington was foretold on the Mayan calendar.

...way in the back.

Oh, "absolutely" no trespassing?

Well if you're being absolute about things, I'll stay out.

♫ Caturday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in cat-ur-day. ♫

I think we could altogether eliminate road rage if we'd just append "LOL" to the end of our signs.

"Yield, LOL" "Children Playing, LOL"

The volcano burrito is $2.99 at Taco Bell.

I guess there's a two-dollar bill wrapped inside?

Annoying things that come in 5s: Maroon, Mambo, Hour Energy, For Fighting, Stages of Grief.

It seems like the Phoenix Mercury are probably going to make the WNBA finals, which is pr..... hahaha just kidding, nobody cares.

Why does Milk feel a need to advertise? YOU'RE ALREADY IN EVERYBODY'S REFRIGERATOR? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? OUR SOULS?


.... ohhhh

If I had a pet bird that flew over the ocean, I'd name it Steven Seagull.

I wonder what Rick Ross is up to today...

"I'm almost done with this, I just need to do some color correction."

"You're going to make the black dude white?"

Sure you think that registered sex offenders are bad, but it's the UNregistered ones you have to watch out for.

I kind of want to start using Bing now just because "bung" is more fun to say than "Googled."

Entourage for the Mac is alright and all, but I'd be a lot better if Jeremy Piven was in this one too.

Why is Drowning Pool so insistent on letting bodies hit the floor?

If somebody wants to pick your bodies up before that point, let it be.

It's nice Facebook came along, before that there wasn't a real outlet for teenagers to post their Jonas Brothers lyrics.

This Woot-Off isn't complete without LeakFrogs. LEAKFROGS, PEOPLE! PAY ATTENTION!

All the meat in this store is on the top shelf. I hate situations like this.

The steaks are so high.

How old should a highway be before you tell it that it's adopted?

This restaraunt promotes "Real Food for Real People" taking a strong anti-cyborg stance. Wise move.

I like taking random occupations and applying them to the "hot buns" pickup line.

By the way, was your father an air traffic controller?

Okay okay, you guys win. Fruit Loops are way more homosexual. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Fruity Pebbles is the most homosexual of cereals.

There's fruit preserves everywhere! My toast is in shambles.

I don't think I was ready for that jelly.

You can tell it's the first day of fall here in Phoenix because it's a brisk 94 degrees.

Gmail's spam filter isn't very effective. I still get email from all my relatives.

I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night.

Well as long as I don't hear any Black Eyed Peas that is.

My fortune cookie today said "Nobody on the internet gives a damn about your fortune cookie."

There must be some sort of humor club meeting for lunch here today. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.

It's called Adobe Reader because you can read a novel while it loads.

Oktoberfest is in September?

Maybe they were too drunk to check the calendar.

Plaxico Burress gets 2 years in jail, which means he's already in contract negotiations with the Philadelphia Eagles.

It should snow today in Colorado, unless Kyle Orton finds some way to screw it up.

"Not to be racist but.." is always followed by something extremely racist, and it's usually somebody Jewish saying it. AMIRITE?

Spoiler Alert: It's not Lupus.

Of the 754 people I follow on Twitter, only 600 are tweeting that House, M.D. starts in a few minutes.

Designers who can write compliant code without the crutch of a WYSIWYG interface.

Why don't you weave me that dream, Dreamweaver?

Paypal deposited a total of 32¢ into my bank account to verify it.

If I can get 3,150,000 more checking accounts, I should be a millionaire.

Somebody said we have "No Carrier" at work today and I told them we just needed to redial with our modem. Nobody laughed.

What a bunch of n00bs.

Little does Lady Gaga know, "Disco Stick" is the name of the rabid gorilla I keep caged in my backyard.

That's one ride she'll never forget.

I want to get a Honda Civic Del Sol and personalize the license plate to say "DEL LOL."

You have a free eBook? Well I'm not eInterested. eGo Away.

When texting in Google Voice and you go over 160 characters, the count itself changes to "Really?"

My crush on Google is enormous.

Doing some edits to this 18 year old's biography here at work and he lists "Member of Society of Gentlemen Scholars"

I want to join so bad.

Tony Romowned

Fun drinking game; Every time they show Jerry Jones, think about how you'll never come close to how rich he is, and drink yourself to sleep.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall of the George W Bush/John Madden luxury suite.

I like knowing I'm the smartest one in the room.

I hope Taylor Swift wins an Emmy tonight.

Miata is the Italian word for "douchebag."

Today is Talk Like a Pirate day, if you're one of the Daylight Saving Time observing Pirates. That extra hour of pillaging goes a long way.

Guys guys, it's TALK like a pirate day, not DRINK like a pirate day.

For International Talk Like a Pirate day, I used Avast! Antivirus, all day.

I wish Rob Base would just rock right now and get it over with already.

Shiver me twitters!

It's International Talk Like a Pirate day.

Good Morning TwitARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I like "Bucca di Beppo." I'll support any restaurant whose name makes it sound like I'm spontaneously beatboxing.

Hung out with a person the other day who used the term "haters" in a serious fashion.

I guess there's a first for everything.

Just saw a "Terrorists Suck!" bumper sticker.

_That'll_ show em!

Here in Phoenix we have a Loop 101, a Loop 202 and a Loop 303.

Our Loop 404 is not found.

Patrick Swayze will be on The View next week, but he can only talk to Whoopi.

(Via http://tr.im/z4Ep)

International Talk Like a Pirate Day falls on a Saturday this year.

Arrr, thank you, God. Gar.

On the way to work I always see this trailer COVERED in 9/11 conspiracy crap.

I want to slash his tires. It's going to be an inside job.

I think it's called the Loop 101 because that's how many accidents occur per month on it.

Dear Pitbull,

Stop. Just... Stop.

Love,
The World

If they ever make a movie about twitter I hope they hire 140 actors to play 140 characters.

This Chemical Brothers album should have been called "Every car commercial, ever."

Either Twitter is down, or my friends have all suddenly passed away.

Currently trying to figure out which one would upset me more.

I have a post-it on my monitor from a previous project that says "No Robots."

I've left it there because it seems like good advice.

"Blind Spot" would be a good name for a band.

Also, a club for visually impaired people.

I completely wrecked myself this morning, which makes sense because I nowhere near checking myself.

Hey #phx people, I looked up this sensation we're feeling tonight. It's called "cold." Weird, right? I'm going to call the cops.

"That's what she said," that's, what she said.

When somebody says "if you will," I usually will.

I want to name a child of mine "Jeeves," just to see if he grows up to be a butler.


Or a search engine.

Zappos puts "mens" in quotation marks and quite honestly, I feel like it's mocking me.

Kanye West wasn't crying about Taylor Swift the other day on Leno.

He was crying because Jay Leno has a TV show again.

Crappy designers choose .GIF

Little known fact: The "PT" in "PT Cruiser" stands for "Pathetic Transportation."

Off-the-record, whoever leaked Obama calling Kanye a jackass off-the-record is a jackass.

By the time this Rapidshare file finishes, I could've flown to Germany, punched Rammstein in the face, burned the file and flown home.

Taylor Swift won a game of solitaire today, don't tell Kanye West.

I'm such a 127.0.0.1 wrecker

YO TUESDAY, I LOVE YOU AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT FRIDAY IS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF ALL TIME

I think people should be described like Olive Oil: Virgin and Extra Virgin.

These emails from GoDaddy's sales team need to stop.

You'd think they're my kids at the pool or something, asking me to watch them dive.

Jay Leno is the Brett Favre of late-night TV.

"Kidskin" leather? Who made these shoes, cannibals?

Tonight has been one of the best doubleheaders I've ever seen, welcome back football!

LaDainian Tomlinson must have been ~CrAZee.4.sWaYzEe~ - he doesn't seem to be himself tonight.

Has anybody completely switched over to Google Voice 100% yet? I think I'm going to cancel my T-Mobile text message plan this week and try.

YO PATRICK SAWYZE I KNOW YOU DIED AND ALL AND IMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH WAS THE BEST THIS YEAR

"Automatic Booth Review" would be a good name for a band.

Patrick Swayze is _really_ getting prepared for Ghost II, it seems.

Good work guys with the Mafia invites, because I'm sure those are the type of people that appreciate their life being turned into a game.

Obama's response? "Kanye west acted stupidly."

It's a good thing we have twitter for spreading all that Kanye information last night, like I'd ever watch the VMAs?

This project at work is getting a little frustrating, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

The woman was a lot like her file-system: FAT and 32.

"Knock Knock"

Who's there?

"Interrupting Kanye"

Inter- YO I'M GOING TO LET YOU FINISH YOUR KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE BUT @ADAMISACSON IS THE BEST

I finally saw what everybody was talking about with the FedEx logo.

There's a spoon under the "E" - I'll never be able to unsee it.

I can't get any work done today, Kanye West keeps interrupting me.

"The only award I'd give Taylor Swift is for having a rat-face." - My Mom

Kanye West Doesn't Care About White People

Kanye West just pulled a Joe Wilson at the VMAs tonight.

This Red Zone channel on DirecTV is hilarious.

Who the hell has this kind of an attention span?

OMG FOOTBALL GUYS

Crying? No I'm not crying.

It's allergies.

Leave me alone.

Go away now.

Fake meat is a "feat."

WWJD - What would Jamie do(TM)

Apparently I've listened to "PopoZão" enough to where K-Fed actually came on my last.fm station today.

You win this round, internet.

"Sir, I don't care how much this 'shorty' was 'burning up the dancefloor.' It still doesn't condone the abuse of this city's 911 system."

I wonder if A&E's "Hoarders" wants to come take a look at my MP3 library. It would be a moving episode.

The oldest person in the world dies YET AGAIN today. There's something about that title...

I think prisoners should get to use the internet, but it should be AOL from the early 90s.

They can make it say "You've got bail!"

Michael Jordan, the greatest White Sox baseball player of all time was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame today.

There's a lime-green Smart Car being displayed front and center at the Scottsdale Bently dealership. It looks very lost and very scared.

It's 9/11 today? Crap, I forgot.

Instead of calling my css id "#wrapper," I'm calling it "#rapper" - HELL YEAH IT'S FRIDAY, I'M CRAZY

Update: The #gangplank poker tournament is being played with cards, NOT fireplace pokers. Dang :(

Hahaha I get it, ok.. but seriously guys? Seriously?

You lie.

I prefer my Rodgers, my Ranchers, my Doms and my Santa Clauses all the same way: Jolly

This afternoon I let my emotions get the best of me, While I disagree with the cashier's total, my comments were inappropriate & regrettable

Taco Bell Lady: That will be $3.61, please.
Me: YOU LIE!

Taco Bell Lady: That will be $3.61, please.

I bet Rudy Giuliani is excited tomorrow is 9/11

Mac users can't handle resizing windows from places other than the lower right corner, the reality of the situation would blow their mind

When Joe BIDEN is shaking his head at something stupid that came out of your mouth, you know that you've messed up.

Joe Wilson also @-replied @BarackObama, but it didn't carry the same weight.

Hey Chris Brown, they're playing you again on the radio - so we're cool, right? (Please don't hit me..)

When I'm rich I'm going to hire Chris Hanson to be my butler, just so I can have him ask all my friends "to have a seat right there."

I won't allow myself to listen to Obama's speech tonight, I will be staying home.

I usually don't condone making fun of the mentally retarded but in Glenn Beck's case I'll make an exception.

Deep in Mountain View, CA - a team of Google Maps engineers works day and night to see how many superfluous U-turns they can get me to take

"My partner and I" = ALERT ALERT, THESE PEOPLE ARE GAY

Do you think the farmers who own Apple orchirds are really snooty toward other farmers?

I have a friend that doesn't watch TV, I know this because he tells me like twenty times a day.

I'd like to make pop music, but it seems really expensive to get Lil Wayne to sing on the chorus of every song you do.

My boss wanted to give me a speech this morning about setting goals & doing good at my job, but I don't think my parents wanted me to listen.

While all the dweebs at work were out partying and spending time with friends, they didn't even know Gmail came out with new themes! Losers.

"Labor Day" was originally spelt "Labour Day" - but spelling it with the extra U is so much work...

Trader Joe's is owned by a giant German conglomerate? Traitor Joe's!

The best part of watching King of the Hill with my family is that I'm pretty sure they don't think the show is satire.

If Miley Cyrus' song doesn't get out of my head soon there is going to be a Mass-murder in the USA.

Does anybody want to be friends?

I could use a friend or two, I'm really nice.

I like the Daily Show, Lolcats, Applebees, Card Games, Road trips, Singing Disney songs in the car, Concerts, etc.

Inquire within.

I bet cats are happy the internet was invented.

If I was an action star I'd wear penny loafers. That way I could roundhouse kick somebody in the face and say "That's my two cents worth."

"Few people can accurately say they've changed the course of music; count T-Pain among that short list." Yeah... how about no...

You could tell the photographer was a nerd because he'd yell "Boom, Headshot!" after every snap

Red Lobster is running its Endless Shrimp promo this month in conjunction with my Endless Ramen one.

Arizona State is playing Idaho State tonight becauase I can only assume none of the community colleges returned our calls.

The game in Tucson tonight has been canceled due to lightning - and probably because U of A sucks.

Devocrinologist - (n) A doctor who frequently checks new wave band Devo for cancer.

I hope I never have a girlfriend who looks at all like anybody's boyfriend, in February of last year or any month for that matter.

Any ladies out there with the last name "Font?" Looking to start a family? I don't care about your weight or your style.

All of my tweets should be read as they're composed, auto-tuned.

A site I'm working on links to this: http://ablhoops.com

It's the most epic site ever. It even uses the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Font!

The Crunk Rapping Guide 2.0: The word Ho rhymes with Blow, Bro, Dough, Flow, Fro, Go, Grow, Know, Oh, Pro, Show, Slow, So, Throw, Woah, & Yo.

Just because it's called Flash, doesn't mean it has to Flash.

Woah, for a second there I forgot about Dre.

Playing the "Who has the .FLA" scavenger hunt game at the office.

.FLA = 3/4 of "Fail" for a reason.

Wouldn't it be great if the Scooby Doo gang took off Kim Jong-Il's mask and it was Dick Cheny the whole time?

A pedometer should measure how much a man likes little girls.

They played LMFAO's "I'm in Miami, trick" this morning on the radio - silly monkeyfighting censors.

When you get excited over a Pedobear widget for your phone and it turns out to be a Pedometer, it's probably time to go to bed.

The requirements for "The Sims" list off a 233 MHz Processor, 32 MB of RAM, 4x CD-ROM drive and DirectX 7. I guess they forgot "A vagina."

I'm going to put "reticulating splines" on my timesheet today. I hope it doesn't upset any of my advisors.

Apple is so good at trolling its own developer community.

Nearly impaling your jugular on a rogue toothpick in the middle of a sandwich would be a cool way to go, right? Right?!

The FDA found an entire frog in a can of Diet Pepsi. The gross part of the story? I can't think of a single "frog" soda pun to go with it.

My cell phone works again, feel free to send me silly things - (480) 559-4119

This PowerBar's disgusting flavor has enraged me, I have so much energy now.

Today's morning radio wackiness will permanently ensure that I will never ever ever forget to charge my MP3 player again.

There was a fender-bender on the way home. Don't worry, everybody on the freeway stopped to get a good look.

I wonder when Sara Bareilles is going to write me a love song.

That pack of kids was lucky the sign said "stop for pedestrians" - I was ready to mow down some children.

Jim Breuer's career is officially over.. ka-boom!

When Gmail goes down today - we should all play Scrabble.

I run Mac at work, Windows at home, and the laptop is running Linux. I even have a machine running DOS in my closet. (It's shy.)

What's the most outlandish thing I can blame on the Gmail outage today? I'm going to try a speeding ticket.

This site i'm updating says it requires "Internet Explorer 4.0" - I think it also requires a ZIP drive and a Chumbawamba CD.

I worked at a tie-dye factory once. It was a red/orange/yellow/green-collar job.

I'd make a joke about Opera 10 coming out, but you should never piss vikings off.

These Halloween decorations at the store ensure it's going to be a spooky September indeed.

Brett Farve is complaining of a cracked rib, you'd complain too if God broke off your rib to make Eve.

I hope we see a Stan Lee cameo in the next Hannah Montana movie.

Snow Leopard, more like Snow Leper, amirite?

Sure it's 110 degrees outside now, but the weather tables will turn! I can't wait to smugly read your tweets about how freezing it is soon.

Snow Leopard is also one of Amy Winehouse's nicknames. She's not into Macs or anything, just cocaine.

Web Designers on a Mac and Web Designers on Windows: Two polar opposites united by a common hatred of Internet Explorer.

I can't believe that construction worker was mocking my car with his big "SLOW" sign. So I sped right the place! That'll show em.

Every IM network has a demographic. College kids use MSN, High Schoolers use AIM, Young Kids use MySpace, Euros use ICQ & Spambots use Yahoo

I had an old job that was a lot like "Mad Men." - We weren't in advertising or anything - The boss was just pissed all the time.

My dad is hosting a live fantasy football draft right now in the dining room. I'm sure these jocks beat up nerdy kids in the 70s for less.

When Dr Dre goes to get checked up, does the nurse say to her boss: "The doctor will see you now?"

Do you think since the Dead Kennedys got a new member the other day - they'll go on tour again?

Spooky: @DJ_AM's last tweet.
Spookier: Newspapers deciding to publish somebody's last tweet.

Well mayor, it seems to me that the earthquake destroyed the entire city. To be fair, it appears that it was built on "rock and roll."

I'm glad Jesus was a carpenter. Because "Jesus the Tailor" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Look pal, unless life is also giving you sugar and water, don't make any more of that crappy lemonade.

"Is something meowing?"
"I don't know, it could be your CAT Cable."
"Jamie shut up."

That Geo Metro is just one "-WNED" short

Mac users are both HOME-less and END-less.

Oh man.. keyboard humor! (It might be time to go home..)

If I go home tonight and try to press the Option key on my PC and end up hitting the Windows key all night - I'm going to punch a baby.

It's a small world. No seriously, look at Jupiter, that thing is gigantic.

My dog is looking at me like "Treats or GTFO."

To the driver of the "Epic Plumbing" van getting off the 60 today: Sorry for giggling at you - But I think your company's name is hilarious.

Designers, stop using Dreamweaver
Just learn to use your paragraph tags and/or divs
placing breaks inside paragraphs is awful

Oh good thing I'm not an employee there, I thought I was going to HAVE to wash my hands.

Lady next to me in Subway ordered a salad with pepperoni and mayonnaise - without missing a beat, the server asked if she also wanted bacon.

Everytime I go to type

I type - I don't even know what the HI tag would do - but damnit I use it a lot.

Ugh, this project makes me want to pull the plug on grandma.

If I ever got in an argument with a friend of mine who was really into Indian music - I'm going to call him "sitarded" - You're welcome.

I think they call it "Safari" because it feels like it was programmed by African Pygmies.

KISS-FM - Playing all of your favorite Black Eyed Peas tracks of the
90s and Today!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Flash!

It's unfair that "The Clap" & "The Flu" are the only diseases to have an article in front. How do you think that makes "The Arthritis" feel?

My spell check doesn't recognize "douchiest" - which is really... ugh.. what's a good word for it...

This $20 in my pocket makes me the Bill Gates of this Taco Bell.

This job is really cutting into my Twitter productivity.

Sure, you may call them Frosted Mini-Wheats, but I prefer "Tiny Sugary
Brillo Pads."

Why yes, GMail, I _will_ invite Barack Obama to try GMail - that's
change I can believe in!

The book I've been published in "Twitter Wit" goes on sale in bookstores nationwide today. Because people still buy books? http://tr.im/x4Al

Any tips for a budding Windows designer using a Mac for the first
time? Software suggestions, etc?

Getting used to a Mac at the new job.. I already feel significantly
more douchy and self-appreciating. WHEN'S THE NEXT MACWORLD??@!?!1

The family computer is enjoying day #746 of our 30 day trial of WinZip.

Do you back in the day, Mozart was considered Prague Rock?

Do you think Utahraptors were Mormon?

I don't know what's better - sending me a resume with "420" and "gurl" in the email, or that googling said email returns kegstand photos.

Why would anyone hate herpes? The commercials show you get a hot girlfriend, a puppy, and a beachside house.

What's the difference between a legendary Mexican cryptid and a dead rapper's psychic Pokémon? One's a Chupacabra, the other is 2pac's Abra.

Potassium? It's K with me.

I'm having Ramen on Ramadan, or should I say "Ramenadan?" If only I was at a Ramada Inn...

Question: If an interviewer asks me for one of my weaknesses, is "bullets" an acceptable answer?

I really need to start remembering to punctuate my sentences

Today's the start of Ramadan AND the start of Obama's "vacation" - COINCIDENCE??? WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!

I can't decide if a book is more like a transcripted TV show or a really long tweet.

I'm a closet heterosexual.

The weirdest part about Martin Luther King's dream was that his gym teacher from high school was there for some reason.

If I were a coroner I'd list stuff like "ravaged by zombies" as the COD every now and then - just to see if people are paying attention.

ATTENTION (heterosexual) MEN OF THE INTERNET: All the girls are busy watching Project Runway. NOW IS OUR TIME TO STRIKE!

I like my coffe like I like my women. And I don't drink coffee (See, this would be funny if I was gay.)

Some people say that I make bad decisions when I live alone, but this ham, cheese & barbecue potato chip sandwich would beg to differ.

I think that using hyperbole is probably worse than the holocaust.

My friend wanted to start a joint account with me but I declined - I'm not much into marijuana anyways.

Collective nouns for a group of weasels include boogle, gang, pack, and confusion. It's 1am - do you know where your Wikipedia articles are?

VIDEO PIZZA! http://tr.im/wvCE

Fantasy Football, who wants to join a league and get annihilated by me?

The news reports a Texas-sized pile of trash floating in the Pacific. Not to be confused with the Texas-sized pile of trash below Oklahoma.

Typing in all caps can be funny, but I'm not a big proponent of capital punishment.

Sandwhich "Artists?" Really Subway? What else was on this kid's resume? Shopping Cart "Sculptor?" Methamphetamine "Composer?"

I'm almost level 50 in Runes of Magic, it's a MMORPG like WoW or WaR, but free. Wanna play with me? It looks like this: http://tr.im/v6Mj

You say "potato," I say "please quit yelling random vegetables at me, you're scaring me."

Being a Pokemon lifeguard is tough, but I'm pretty good at meowth-to-meowth.

It ain't over 'til Jordin Sparks sings.

Birth certificates have a liberal bias.

Birth certificates have a liberal bias.

Looking to work on a project with a web developer who's knowledgeable about the Twitter API. Get in touch if you're interested.

Front Desk? It's Jamie again. I'd like to order-in some food, I'm hungry like the wolf.

Front Desk? Yes, I'd like to schedule a wake up call for "before I go-go." Can you please not leave me hanging like a yo-yo? Appreciate it.

I'm sad to we live in a society where "MADE WITH REAL CHEESE" is a selling point.

Wait, the show "Whale Wars" isn't about Twilight fans?

Filipinos are like the Mexicans of the Asians

The day after comic-con, 400 Slave Leias, 198 Jokers, and 50 Wonderwomans all go back to their depressing existence working at Best Buy.

I should take a cue from FreeCreditReport.com and start FreeCarWash. (CarWash is free after you sign up for a $20/month clean car mailer.)

That wedding video was brilliant viral marketing for Chris Brown. Are we able to start liking him again?

I don't understand why "The Dog Whisperer" is such a big deal - I've been whispering to my dogs all week and it seems hardly effective.

I don't understand people who describe themselves as "Foodies" - are there people out there who don't enjoy food?

How do I spend Saturday nights? Why live-tweeting an online Scrabble game. Single ladies please form a single-file line. (NO PUN INTENDED!)

"Going to shank T-Dubs tonight in the lunch line. PLEASE RT! #shanking"

Locked Up on MSNBC is really eye-opening. I had no idea cell phones in prisons were an epedemic. They must _really_ be addicted to Twitter.