A sandwich without meat is just a salad with two large crutons

I was going to work for NPR but they told me my last name was too easily pronounced

Walgreens. Also known as "The white elephant store."

I bet heroin addicts really love acupuncture

I find Lady Gaga very difficult to reach via telephone

Few things compare to the feeling a web developer gets as he loads his code into Internet Explorer for the first time

All of the best financial opportunities are found stapled on telephone poles

I'm pretty sure the Cardinals don't want to win this game.

I don't like listening to dubstep music when I walk home. It seems like the perfect music to murder me to.

There's a shared network folder here at work called "Cute Dinosaurs" - This is something I appreciate.

"O RLMENTE?" The Spanish owl said.

Is it too late to poligize? I'm asking for a friend.

Can you spot the IT guy? http://j.mp/du2k48

Next girlfriend I have I'm going to preface random conversations with "We need to talk."

"We need to talk: I made brownies."

Who's planning on going to the Stewart/Colbert rally at the end of October?

I try to help people the best I can on aardvark: http://vark.com/t/dyiqq6

Does Ke$ha know that she's not attractive? Shouldn't somebody tell her?

The advent of the debit card must have been a crushing blow to the panhandling market.

Overheard today: "I wear an XXXL, but I wear it well."

WTF Seattle? I'm pretty sure your trees are broken or something. All the leaves are changing red and yellow.

I've always been terrible at loading dishes and moving vans. I think it's because I played Dr Mario instead of Tetris.

This Red Zone channel is giving me ADHD.

Terrell Owens' ability to systematically destroy an NFL team from the inside is pretty amazing. Go Bengals!

FOOOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

Burning Qur'ans for tech-savvy right-wing extremists will get pretty expensive for every Kindle they incinerate tomorrow.

That Mexican soccer announcer would be a great internet commentator: "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!"

Anybody here have DirecTV Sunday Ticket? Send me a message please. :)

Herpers gonna derp

Justin Bieber is an amazing quarterback. Oh wait, that's Tom Brady, nevermind.

How many ORs could I enter today, point at the lady giving birth and say "I guess she heard it was labor day!" before I get arrested?

What does the double rainbow mean? It means you're on drugs.

The Cadillac Escalade Hybrid: For the environmentally conscious complete douche-bag.

Toyota recalled the Matrix.



"Woah."

I have successfully concluded that the greatest video of all time goes well with any music ever http://j.mp/9iNzIy

"If you love something, let it go" does NOT apply to newborn children

You'd think if that gunman was sick of the "parasitic human race" and the TV it produces he would have gone to Bravo or VH1 instead.

The teller told me to use an ATM machine, but I don't need an ATM made.