D:

For lent I'm giving up all physical contact with a woman. Lent started
6 months ago right?

For lent I'm giving up cliche "for lent I'm giving up" jokes.

Pro-tip: Play good in college, and you might be able to play professionally.

I appreciate how KFC is a resteraunt whose name actually describes its
food. I'm looking at you, Red Robin & Panda Express.

Ugh, I'm tired of growing up. Life could use a "Skip Intro" button.

Why don't any of these Valentine heart candies say "Eat Me" on them? I'm sick of hugging them.

I can't think of a joke, so "Oscar's the Grouch." I'm just throwing that one out there.

Well yes I forgot your birthday, but with 9/11 and the Alamo, I have
so many things to remember...

I bet a row of Dodge Rams would make a great pick-up line.

If I were a lawyer I'd do U2's paperwork for free, I'm pretty Pro-Bono.

Why are people acting like Conan O'Brien died?

Oh you're having a "pity" party? My bad. Well fine, I'll take my pitas
and go home.

Well, according to this feature film it's a "Bug's life." Who knew?

As a kid I remember stealing the funny section from the Sunday
newspaper early in the morning, leaving my parents with "News: Comic
Sans."

Watching TED videos on Youtube and then reading the comments beneath is probably the most extreme example of contrast on earth.

New Cheezit Campaign Idea: "Pop a 'zit in your mouth!"

I bet in hell you can crack all your knuckles except for one.

Cabal Anyone?

Does anybody here play Cabal? It's free, and I like it very much so. Hit me up on Xfire or Raptr if you do. :)

Here's a video of some of the skillZ zomg.

Am I the only boy on earth who has a crush on Maya Rudolph? I hope so.

A business partner of mine has the last name "Wolf," searching for "Wolf" in Gmail box only brings him up. Need to make more wolf friends.

Thomas Jefferson and James Madison will be happy to know that Facebook has its own Bill of Rights now.

They Made A Sequel To "Waiting" Called Still "Waiting." I know you're not supposed to kill the messager, but I threw a brick at my TV.

Jamie has tagged you in a note: "Facebook is really annoying when people do this, no?"

Guys, I hate to admit it, but I think that:"Fired Up" looks funny.

Women get all sorts of crap for being the "Crazy Cat Lady," but I'm pretty sure I'm 20 years away from being "Insane Dog Man."

May your President's day be full of millions of peaches, peaches for you.

Attention Gay Men: Is it Bros before Bros? How does that work out in your circle. I guess that makes me gay-curious.. Wait..

The real all-star game? A career in Astronomy.

Did everybody see Shaq dance with the Jabbawockeez tonight? I love this man so hard: http://tr.im/gf2t

My computer just made a random alert noise. I don't know what happened, BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED.

Yes I've worn the same shirt for the last 3 days, you see it as disgusting - I see it as being consistent.

Yes I'm eating my feelings. But in my defense, my feelings are delicious.

I need some good boy friends again. I wish I had somebody to go to Applebees with right now.

I wanted to spend the night with my girlfriend but she'll be with her husband all day.. UGH!

Don't forget the C in ST.CUPID, otherwise, you're pretty STUPID.

If you're reading this right now, you're probably alone. Just remember: you're the only one on earth alone right now.

Girl, unlike Joaquin Phoenix's current career, my feelings for you are real.

Zeus and Thor the malumutes are here. Yelling "down Zeus, down Thor?" Pretty exhillirating.

There's a beagle here with his nuzzle tied shut. That kind of breaks my heart.

Ladies, might I request that you please do not forget my black t-shirt? Thank you ever so much.

What is it about Arizona Satehood Day (Feb 14th) that gets people all hot and heavy anyways?

Last minute gift ideas? Cocaine is now cheaper than Wine and Beer! http://tr.im/g5yd

"Its survey says the average price 'consumers placed on love' is $108. That's down 15 percent from last year" OMG LOVE IS DOWN 15% THIS YEAR

I think I'd make a great College Quarterback for DeVry.

This economy being bad is funny for all us who've been poor all along: WELCOME TO OUR WORLD, SUCKERS!

Important Things with Demetri Martin is amazing, I hope the world gets to finally realize his genius. Add it to your DVR nao!

If you keep getting snow in your galoshes, try rebooting.

USA beats Mexico 2-0, _finally_ it's nice to be better than Mexico at something!

The NBA Slam Dunk contest is the same day as Valentine's day. If that's not a beautiful euphemism, I don't know what is.

The Pepsi DNA finds its origin in the dynamic of perimeter oscillations. My DNA? Mostly in Cheeseburgers and Internet Memes.

Just let her know that it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake. Love will figure out the rest.

If you cut in front of me and then _don't__ turn right at the red light I hate you. Yes you.

I drink Apple Juice. I used to drink OJ, but I hear that stuff kills you.

If you're using Google Latitude, feel free to stalk me: livejamie@gmail.com - Also if you have Tumblr: http://livejamie.com

Stop choking me fella, fella, fella, hey, hey, hey.

I bet "Disturbia" was playing when Chris Brown was choking Rihanna.

Ugh, this project is so frustrating.. it makes me want to beat the crap out of Rihanna.

Always take into consideration the vehicle you're in before you get into a pursuit. Are you going to be the U-Haul lady or the Bentley guy?

At least Chris Brown wasn't caught smoking a bong, right?

More brilliant viral marketing; Boxxy for Boxee.

This cold weather is great viral marketing on Snuggie's part.

I need a machete to put up with all this crap in the GoDaddy checkout process.

This just in: The Dalai Lama is fake. Also, so is his Twitter account: http://tr.im/fiqg

I like my Disney dogs like I like my golf: Goofy.

Lil Wayne has 8 Grammy nominations - the most of any other person this year? And you idiots are still watching?

The people on the flight from Vegas are amusingly less enthusiastic then they were flying to Vegas.

Not only is this messenger bag stylish and convenient, it conceals my
ass-crack nicely when my pants fall down.

I'm sad to live in a world where T-Pain is a headliner.

Carlos Mencia was yanked Thurs from a Mardi Gras list of performers for making Katrina jokes. That must be hard for whoever wrote the jokes.

I've seen far too many episodes of CSI to feel safe here in Las Vegas. Grissom save me!

I'm not paying my taxes until Homeland Security gives me back my 12 pairs of deodorant they've taken from me at the airport over the years.

If I were to Burgle in Vegas, I'd rob hotel rooms just to mutter "I guess things really _do_ stay in Vegas!" under my breath.

I'm staying at the Wynn Tower Suites in Vegas today, this is the nicest, most incredible place I've ever been to.

I'm giving my #Ted talk right now, so far I've found out A) His name is Ted, B) He wants me to leave him alone.

I named the picture of the handshake over the skyscrapers "buildingshake.jpg" - It's the little things in life

Looking back on it; ejecting that police officer from my party was kind of a cop-out.

I can't even describe how happy this promo for "How's Your News - Comedy/News by Disabled People" made me. I almost cried. http://tr.im/evxh

Girl I'm like Firewire; large bandwidth, supplies power. My burst speed isn't as fast but my sustained speed is the highest #nerdpickuplines

Kelloggs is ending their deal with Michael Phelps now. Do they even REALIZE how many stoned people eat their cereal every single day?

Wait, they're just _now_ declaring Kentucky a major disaster area? Where were they 100 years ago?

Tell you about my experience with Kid Pix? Well sir, I know that Poison = BLEH

On your resume do you list your skills alphabetically? Because I really want to put Kid Pix in front of Adobe Illustrator.

My day isn't going according to plan, but at least I haven't walked into Christian Bale's shot today.

Cash4Gold and Left4Dead should merge. Send in your leftover Zombies in our FREE, REFINED Zombikit!

Wait! And it's called a "CAPASHITTA" .. am I too late?

MVP for the Steelers - The Referees

CommercFAILS

"AHHHHHHHHH IT'S FLO" - America

Paul Shaffer _and_ Max Weinberg? Did Kevin Eubanks not get the memo?

The people in the Monster.com stadium represent how many passwords Monster has lost over the years.

I love it when our defense plays volleyball. SPIKE IT!

Has Santonio even seen the Super Bowl? When it hits you on the helmet, you're supposed to catch it!

That commercial for Chuck was hilarious. NBC thinks I care about Chuck. I can't stop laughing.

The Cardinals are losing and there's another Fast and Furious movie coming out. Did Kurt Warner piss off God?

Hey Bridgestone, that Mr Potato Head joke was funny when I first saw it in TOY STORY

David Petraeus thinks this Super Bowl will be an easy game lasting 10 minutes.

Jennifer Hudson would have been a lot better with a GIANT BLUE BOW on her head, who's with me?

Flo from Progressive married Enzyte's Smilin Bob and gave birth to the E-Trade baby. They are the family of commercials that piss me off.

I have now officially stopped believin in Journey.

Look. Everybody is thinking it, I'll say it: Larry Fitzgerald is a beautiful, beautiful man.