It's snowing here in Mesa, Arizona - WTF

Lynx: The Internet in Dwarf Fortress mode

Anyone can write
haiku. You just stop at the
seventeenth syllab

Nerd secret: If anybody you know calls in sick tomorrow to work/school - they're really at home playing WoW: Cataclysm

That's one of the most impressive football games I've ever seen. #BeatCats

To master the internet you must first master its three crafts: Starcraft, Warcraft, Minecraft.

A rainbow is God's covenant that he will always refract sunlight through the full visible spectrum of the sun's white light

This football game feels like airing our dirty laundry out on ESPN.

Wanna know a place where Black Friday sales happen every day? It's called THE INTERNET. Stop standing in line at 2am you jackasses.

Happy Kthxgiving

Practicing for Cyber Monday: "ASL?"

Slicing open a Tauntaun, crawling in, going to bed.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday = WTF

I can totally see how living in this for months would be annoying.

Photos that I took of the now on the way to work are on Facebook, or you can view them on Picasa: http://j.mp/ar9040

They're putting salt on the road outside my window. We'll see if it snows tomorrow. :)

Can somebody please send Peyton Manning some Phoenix tourism packets?

Jimmy Wales is staring at your soul asking for Wikipedia donations. This is also known as "Geek Tithing."

Did anybody ever love Raymond?

Tom from MySpace: The original Forever Alone.

If your birthday is in this part of November, you are a Valentine's day baby. You're welcome.

Don't ask a woman to marry you. TELL HER TO

In Soviet Russia, you save Jesus

If I know one thing, it's that my life has significantly improved since adding the D: smiley into my life

My facial hair seems rather sheepish this month. I swear I'm against prostate cancer!

Unexplicable high-speed projectile? Fired from Los Angeles? Iron Man.

You never see vanity plates with the amber alerts. It's never "AWSMDAD" or "DNTFINDME"

Second weekend in a row where both the Sun Devils and the Cardinals lose in the last minutes of each game.

My smoke detector doesn't seem to know the difference between a five-alarm fire and taking tater tots out of the oven.

Fist-bumping the buttons makes traffic signals change faster. Trust me.

I'm waiting for a bunch of Jewish NYC landlords to get together and form the "Rent seems pretty reasonable" party.

The library of congress has a deal with twitter to archive all its tweets. Lolz @ my grandkids if you're reading this. GTFO n00bz

If you check into the Lincoln Memorial on Foursquare you should get the "I'm a tool" badge.

I'm about to go on a walking tour of DC led by a pirate. I love Halloween.

Dude, Waldo moves fast. I've seen him like 20 times today.

Favorite 3 signs so far: "Too much Tea Party not enough Mr T Party"
"One rally to rule the mall" (Dressed as Gandalf)
"Excuse me pardon me"

I have never seen so many people in one location in my entire life.

"Lawyering Up" refers to when you hire a lawyer.

"Lawyering Down" refers to when they dance about it afterwards.

In Soviet Russia, No Thanks You

Let's get a roll-call going. Who's going to be in DC this weekend?

Who's going to apologize for the apologists?

If your result on WTFSHOULDIBEFORHALLOWEEN.COM contains "Flanders" you get "STUPID SEXY FLANDERS" 3 very lucky people have gotten this.

The Miami Heat currently have the worst record in the NBA

Antoine Dodson would make an awesome weatherman: "Well.. obviously, we have a.. tornado in.. Lincoln Park.."

In Max Hall we trust.

Tonight I drove a Volvo to IKEA while listening to Ace of Base. Thanks Sweden!

Nerds calling nerds nerds

"To pay your bill press 1. To pay with a debit card press 1. To process your debit card ending in 4833 press 1. To confirm press 1."

I CHMOD directories like I play slots: 777 all the way

If I had ADHD I'd buy a Ford Focus, to see if it helped.

Anybody have a Dribbble invite?

Man's greatest achievements: 1) Creating Fire 2) Inventing the wheel 3) Convincing women that tights are actually pants

Mission: Convert all friends/family members that use Yahoo to Gmail is now complete. 11 people converted.

How long until one of you nerds recreates Angry Birds in Minecraft? Get on that, people.

She wanted to draw me naked, but it all seemed kinda sketchy.

I hit the random article link on Wikipedia and got "Complete spatial randomness." Yep.

You know those jerks that would always pick Oddjob when playing Goldeneye? They're all the Gnomes in World of Warcraft.

I'm going to market a line of reverse-voodoo dolls. They will be called revoodoo dolls and I will soon be rich and famous.

I think my crabbing friend is on to something. The bib and mallet works wonders on eggs bennidict.

These stickers are Scratch and sniff, they just smell like unscented glossy plastic.

Then he can do Livejournal next; it'll star all of us in Junior High.

Sorkin's next movie should be about Orkut: It should be in Portuguese and not make sense to the rest of the world.

Does anybody know how I can get a hold of this person? http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?sid=827233677

Do NOT spray roaches with PAM. It makes them INVINCIBLE.

We're hiring front-end and python developers if anybody in the Seattle area is interested, get in touch. :)

Maybe we can get Derek Anderson to fight some animals and spend some time in jail. It seems to be working well for the Redskins.

Subway: Have it your way

Jimmy Johns: WILL YOU HURRY UP?! THERE ARE PEOPLE IN LINE BEHIND YOU!

A sandwich without meat is just a salad with two large crutons

I was going to work for NPR but they told me my last name was too easily pronounced

Walgreens. Also known as "The white elephant store."

I bet heroin addicts really love acupuncture

I find Lady Gaga very difficult to reach via telephone

Few things compare to the feeling a web developer gets as he loads his code into Internet Explorer for the first time

All of the best financial opportunities are found stapled on telephone poles

I'm pretty sure the Cardinals don't want to win this game.

I don't like listening to dubstep music when I walk home. It seems like the perfect music to murder me to.

There's a shared network folder here at work called "Cute Dinosaurs" - This is something I appreciate.

"O RLMENTE?" The Spanish owl said.

Is it too late to poligize? I'm asking for a friend.

Can you spot the IT guy? http://j.mp/du2k48

Next girlfriend I have I'm going to preface random conversations with "We need to talk."

"We need to talk: I made brownies."

Who's planning on going to the Stewart/Colbert rally at the end of October?

I try to help people the best I can on aardvark: http://vark.com/t/dyiqq6

Does Ke$ha know that she's not attractive? Shouldn't somebody tell her?

The advent of the debit card must have been a crushing blow to the panhandling market.

Overheard today: "I wear an XXXL, but I wear it well."

WTF Seattle? I'm pretty sure your trees are broken or something. All the leaves are changing red and yellow.

I've always been terrible at loading dishes and moving vans. I think it's because I played Dr Mario instead of Tetris.

This Red Zone channel is giving me ADHD.

Terrell Owens' ability to systematically destroy an NFL team from the inside is pretty amazing. Go Bengals!

FOOOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

Burning Qur'ans for tech-savvy right-wing extremists will get pretty expensive for every Kindle they incinerate tomorrow.

That Mexican soccer announcer would be a great internet commentator: "LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!"

Anybody here have DirecTV Sunday Ticket? Send me a message please. :)

Herpers gonna derp

Justin Bieber is an amazing quarterback. Oh wait, that's Tom Brady, nevermind.

How many ORs could I enter today, point at the lady giving birth and say "I guess she heard it was labor day!" before I get arrested?

What does the double rainbow mean? It means you're on drugs.

The Cadillac Escalade Hybrid: For the environmentally conscious complete douche-bag.

Toyota recalled the Matrix.



"Woah."

I have successfully concluded that the greatest video of all time goes well with any music ever http://j.mp/9iNzIy

"If you love something, let it go" does NOT apply to newborn children

You'd think if that gunman was sick of the "parasitic human race" and the TV it produces he would have gone to Bravo or VH1 instead.

The teller told me to use an ATM machine, but I don't need an ATM made.

I have no idea how to use an umbrella, I NEED TO KNOW proper umbrella etiquette. UMBRELLAQUETTE.

"Don't wait. Secure your .CO domain name before someone beats you to it!"

I sincerely doubt that, GoDaddy

Avril Lavigne has a perfume out now? Maybe it smells like 8 years ago.

WATER MUSIC: Aqua, Nickle Creek, Ou Est Le Swimming Pool, Matt Pond PA, Little River Band, Okkervil River, Emerson Lake Palmer, Billy Ocean

50 Cent has quickly surpassed Shaquille O'Neal as my favorite twitterer.

Listening to Justin Timberlake results in sexier CSS code.

The food bank's slogan of "Choose Hope over Hunger" does NOT apply to Scrabble.

Rohypnol and Cake Mix: Surprise Cake!

Guess who I ran into while driving around town with my girlfriend? Cee-Lo! He was pretty rude, actually.

It's California "GURLS" people, get it right!

Just saw a photo of Obama eating pork in Texas the other day. Dude is the WORST Muslim I've ever seen.

Comcast said they'd be here some time between 8 and 12. I told them I'd pay them some time between September and January.

I just learned that Piranha 3D used more fake blood than any other Hollywood film to date, sold yet?

Person I was seeing Piranha 3D with today canceled on me, if anybody in #Seattle wants to go see Richard Dreyfus be amazing, lemme know.

"Serving Suggestion?" More like "False Advertising!"

Who in #Seattle wants to go see Richard Dreyfuss shine his brightest in Piranha 3D with me?

1 in 5 Americans think I'm a Muslim

Designing for a Utah client: "No pictures of people with shorts, tank tops or other suggestive clothing. Family pictures and Utah landmarks are fine."

Every time I see an "Under New Management" sign I read it as "The Old Owners Were TERRIBLE!"

It's 96 degrees here in Seattle. No wonder Kurt Cobain killed himself.

Oh girl, if we were represented on a stock ticker, you'd be Bed Bath & Beyond, because you're my BBBY.

There's a party on the roof right now that's mostly homosexual Asians. Do you think if I wait it out George Takei will show up?

My 5 year plan? Get enough money to open a branch of SpongeBob SquarePants themed car washes.

To handle Seattle tourists you only need to know the answer to one question:

"Hey uh.. so where's that place where they throw the fish?"

Pretty Lights is playing at an incredibly random festival in Page, Arizona called "Powellapalooza" http://9.gp/egq

From Ikea, this is the PRÄNT. Step 1 is already done for you: http://9.gp/egk

The building that I just moved into has a message board used mainly for passive aggression: http://ow.ly/i/3arz

The word "Off" looks like somebody doing the Thriller dance

Cat Dictators, the newest game you should play with your friends! http://9.gp/ee5

"99 problems but a beach ain't one" - BP

He was a very attractive man, in the Newtonian physics sense of the word

Gabe is a very attractive man, in the Newtonian physics sense of the word

"I guess if you were looking from above my body would kind oflook like a lightning bolt?"

Leah and I are getting down to brass tacks.

My being stuck in the Aiport AMA thread on reddit is kinda taking off: http://9.gp/eds

Guys, guys, guys. It's finally happened! http://9.gp/edp

I don't know who Snooki is either. Are they on Sesame Street?

This flight has WiFi. Better login to Foursquare to check in to THE SKY

I was going to go out with this chick from Glasgow last night, but I got off Scot-free.

Really enjoying myself in Seattle, things are going very well.

This is some of the best weather I've experienced in a long long time.

If any of you crazy kids play WoW and/or Starcraft2 and want to add my RealID please do: livejamie@gmail.com

Sorry I've been AFK for a little bit, I am alive: http://9.gp/d9f

The closed captioning just described the end game noise from Pac-Man as "Mournful Beeping."

There's no joke here. Just poetry, people.

We may never know what Willis was talking about

It's crazy for people to compare modern Arizona to Nazi Germany!

Germany has much nicer weather.

I bite my thumb at thee!



And now my thumb hurts, so I'm REALLY pissed!

Iron Man is a lot like the San Antonio Spurs: Pretty good in 2008, terrible in 2010

Happy "Your Mom!" Day

I got implied verbal consent to re-broadcast this NBA game, so it's okay.

I don't understand the phrase "Chubby Chaser" - If they're chubby, how much chasing is really required?

"I hate Robert Horry, Bruce Bowen, Gregg Popovich, Manu Ginobili, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker Also: That stinkin mangy looking Coyote" - My Dad

Little over 4 hours left on Status.ly/Statusly.com, still under $900 and a great deal: http://9.gp/dhm

2 Days left to bid on Status.ly / Statusly.com: http://9.gp/dgj

"Duelly Noted" - To make note of something whilst simultaneously engaging in a duel of some sort

"btw: do you think it's a bad thing to tell a girl she looks like carrot top?" - @brianshaler

Does anybody else see the irony in a team called the "Blazers" losing on 4/20?

If a tech person gets a puppy from the pound, are they an early adopter?

Thanks to everybody for the support. I'm completely overwhelmed and grateful for it.

I've moved back home to Phoenix, I'm selling statusly, and am looking for work. Explanation here: http://9.gp/dch

Thanks!

Since recently changing my programming font to webdings, my work has become more bicycle, stadium, alien, tree-like.

If you download movies for free it kills the movie industry; then why is downloading child porn illegal?

It was around Problem #100 that Jay-Z realized he had more problems than initially thought

['hip','hip'] <-- hip hip array

I have Slaking, Gliscor, Mewtwo, Aggron, Giratina, & Wobbuffet.

Yeah, you're scared. I know it.

Women aren't allowed to eat Manwhich, right? That's a law or something...

*Memorandum*

Date: 04/06/10

To: Miley Cyrus (URGENT)

From: Jamie Martin

Contents: People wear stilettos in Los Angeles

Phil Gordon is still the mayor of Phoenix? He must check-in A LOT

Wait just a second! Golduck isn't even GOLD

Championship basketball game with six white boys on the court. Weird.

What happens if we put Justin Bieber into the next Twilight?

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world to put a potato salad-like mixture inside of halved boiled eggs.

If you close your eyes really tight you can almost make watching "Constantine" into watching "The Matrix."

How soon until Apple announces the iPad price-cut now? 48 hours? 2 weeks?

I just saw a bunch of nudity on Chatroulette - must be an April Fool's day joke or something.

Lost: The television show with a name that describes how I feel when watching it

Maybe it shouldn't be called "Infiniti" if it's not going to go on forever.

"It is currently believed that C. exigua are not harmful to humans unless picked up alive, in which case they can bite." <-- What?

"BC environment minister cozies up to wife during Earth Hour then puts out cat after it caught on fire" Best. Headline. Ever http://9.gp/c6w

Bank won't let me individually sign off a joint account but will allow me to close the account for both of us. Because _that_ makes sense.

Is Facebook in Checkoslovakia called Chzechbook? Does it need to be balanced?

Historical records show that Vancouver comes from an ancient word meaning "Can you spare any change?"

Little known fact: Fall asleep on the SkyTrain and you'll be taken to an alternate dimension where you're in Surrey and you have no wallet.

I grew up on Stripper St. with a cat named Stripper, and that, is why they call me Double Stripper.

If a "spiiiiiiiider" has eight Is, then why does the dictionary only have it spelled with one? So outdated.

Me: Is that Gowalla?
Him: Yep
Me: What did you just do?
Him: I dropped a shoe & got a gopher
Me: What does that mean?
Him: I have no idea

The Butler did it!

"That's what she said" to all past and future comments about my netbook

I'd like to open a Hall of Fame Hall of Fame

"Hey man, sittin on the toilet, sittin on, on the toilet can! Hey Bam!" has been the only song running in head all day.

Alright, when do the death panels start? Is somebody keeping an eye out on grandma's plug?

I wonder how Andy Bernard is handing this Cornell upset and Sweet 16 birth

Send out a decree, Let March 21st 2010 be known as the day Jamie mixed two brands of macaroni and cheese together in one pan

Khaaaaaaaaaaansas!

Northern Iowa used all their mystical Kurt Warner powers and screwed up everybody's bracket. GG.

If there's one thing that Vegetarians and Meat-eaters alike can agree on it's that Vegans are really annoying, amirite?

The most annoying thing about panhandlers begging me for money is that most of them are in a better financial position then I am.

A sick eagle is illeagle

Really, Norte Dame? A day after St. Patrick's day? Really?

Kiss me I'm Finnish, French and a little bit of German. (Not the Nazi part.)

What did moths do before light bulbs were invented?

This video of Chat Roulette Piano Improvisations is one of the best things I've seen in a long long time http://9.gp/c2y

I don't know what the hell kind of a farm Farmer John runs, but he grows lunch meat and hot dogs.

Do you think kids nowadays leave twitter handles when signing yearbooks? Unless they're speech and debate, they probably use LinkedIn.

MLS Real Estate Listings should also include the number of: open wifi networks, adjacent barking dogs, reggaeton-listening units

If Vinz Clortho, Keymaster from Ghostbusters got into a fight with The Keymaker from the Matrix, would anybody care?

Notorious B.I.G. vs Rent FTW http://9.gp/cz7

I hope you dyslexics are enjoying SWSX this week.

Been having a rough day, accidentally went against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

This weekend I won a new car, I bankrupt some chumps, I won the Stanley Cup, I conquered the world, I did some racing. http://9.gp/cy2

I had a very busy weekend

I won a new car



I bankrupted some chumps and made $13k



I won the Stanley Cup



I conquered the world



I did some racing



How was yours?

It's snowing in parts of Seattle and Portland, but it's very sunny here in Vancouver, dang.

I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Your website might say "Next Page," but what it really means is "Close Tab."

Happy International Womens Day, ladies! We put Lil Wayne in jail today. You're welcome.

Every time you take Second Place in a beauty contest in Monopoly, I take First Place.

All basements are haunted. It's builder's code.

Sometimes getting a song stuck in your head is out of your contrololololololololololololol

Watching NewsRadio for the first time ever, which are awesome if not only for Joe Rogan's (@joerogandotnet) incredibly random character.

Since the 10 billionth tweet was protected, I'm totally taking credit for it.

You're welcome.

The real question is the 10 billionth tweet going to be about the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber?

It sucks that last.fm and Pandora cost money in Canada.

Any suggestions for personalized radio? I've been using hypem and grooveshark.

I just confessed to something horrible.

It's okay, I posted it to Google Buzz so nobody will ever see it.

Type "lick" into Google Translate, translate to Arabic. Copy the third verb and translate back to English. Can someone explain?

I've finished Shining Force I and II recently. Can anybody recommend any similar games?

Windows 98 and Windows ME were mostly my ideas, but I had nothing to do with Windows 7

I used to listen to chill-out music until I realized it was AMBIENT FOR WIMPS!

YOU CAN'T HANDLE STARS OF THE LID

Dear Canada,

Stop putting gravy on your fries. It's gross. And stop assuming that I want gravy on my fries.

love,
Jamie.

The Canadians played angry tonight. But you would be too if you lived in a country where a burger and fries cost $20

Doesn't Sidney Crosby have a boy band he needs to go practice for or something?

I'll be Canadian tonight, who wants to make out? We can do it to Bryan Adams, Nickelback or Celine Dion

Bad News: The Canadians have started rioting
Good News: Mostly on their own livers

Congratulations Canada, that was the best hockey game I've ever seen. I had to leave the bar around the 4th round of "O Canada" though.

MIRACLE ON ICE: THE SEQUEL

Things quiter than this sportsbar in Vancouver right now: Anything

Team USA is playing like their country doesn't even CARE about hockey...


oh wait.

Team USA could use the Bash Brothers and some Flying-V's, also: Quacking

They just showed Vince Vaughn and the bar booed. I guess they all saw "Couples Retreat."

Don't let Canada know, but I'm pretty sure we're starting Obama

Chants of "U-S-A" in the sports bar being met with some weird "Red and White" chant.

Oh man, things are going to get crazy.

Team Canada's motto is "We were made for this."

Being made for a silver medal seems strange, but I don't judge people.

Apolo "Oh-no-you-got-disqualified-in-the-500m."

There's a certain suspense to curling - or anything you're watching when you have no idea what the hell is going on.

Canadians chanted "U-S-A" as the hockey girls got silver medals, cool!

We Americans should do the same for their silver medalists Sunday.

US winning 6-0. Things looking bad for Fins unless coach comes back, burns his suit in a drum in front of the team and starts quacking.

Dozens of users are silenced as FriendFeed has been down for the last hour

There's a whole bunch of older women at this bar, or as I call them: "Vancougars."

I know it isn't saying much, but Women's Hockey is soooo much more entertaining than the WNBA.

If I get a bunch of Toyota vehicles, I bet I can make lemonade.

Bobsled girls got back!

Russia is playing like a bunch of Johnny Weirs

Snarky Canadaian: What dumbasses, I bet they were Americans.
Me: How could you tell, did they have a bunch of Olympic Medals?

I met a man on the subway who paid $10,000 for two gold medal hockey tickets.

I sure hope for his sake Canada beats Russia today.

Will somebody please go check on Martin Brodeur? I fear for his safety.

Team @statusly just returned from a 9-1 nail-biter putting USA over Sweden in women's hockey. We attribute the win to our presence.

I don't see the big deal with the Nickelback/Pickle Facebook group.

I like pickles more than 99% of things.

Somebody in Canada tricked the girls into thinking tights are pants. It's awesome 90% of the time.

Dear Canada,

We'd like to introduce you to Ryan Miller.

Love,
The United States

P.S. Thanks for yet another gold medal.

I'd like to get into a friends-with-benefits-type relationship.

I could really use the insurance and the 401k.

The gate agent is currently caling for "Bueller" - life is awesome sometimes

WTF Portland, your change machine just gave me about 100 nickels in exchange for my $5

Also "Port of Portland" sounds dumb. Good day.

Hey Tiger Woods is on the telev.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Is putting "WoW Raid Leader" a good idea for your resume? What do you think? http://9.gp/cum

Neutral, my ass! I see you participating in the games, Switzerland. You aren't fooling me.

I seriously want to buy University of Alaska hockey tickets, because this video is that awesome: http://9.gp/ct9

These protesters must really hate giant glittery polar bears, or is it the flaming punk fiddlers they're against?

No, no, no, Happy Valentine's day to _YOU_ Mr. Bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios!

A table at the bar just changed the NBA all-star game to Olympic figure skating. They must not realize this is a sport's bar.

I love my Dad: "Canada girl's hockey is beating Slovenia 13-0 after 2 periods & has out-shot them 46-6. How do you people sleep at night?"

Next time somebody asks me what living in Vancouver is like I'm going to say "giant glittery bears and flaming punk fiddlers."

I remember watching the Beijing opening ceremonies wishing that a chubby dude would come out and do slam poetry.

Me: "Brian Adams and Nelly Furtado? You all have to be pretty embarassed right now."
Canadians: "Yeah."

This is what Times Square must be like on New Years eve, except not so polite.

"I'm keeping a Swiss family in my bathroom." - Overheard in Vancouver

6661: The Pin Number of the Beast

The funniest thing that's happened on the internet recently happened yesterday when RWW does a story on Facebook: http://9.gp/ctt

It's so cold in Vancouver that crowds of people have gathered just to see an open flame, to feel its warmth, they cheer as it passes.

Sorry my LinkedIn link was incorrect, here it is: http://ca.linkedin.com/in/jamiemartin

I'm going to start using LinkedIn more actively. Please connect if you haven't already: linkedin.com/livejamie

Yeah Vancouver it's cool that you're doing the Olympics and all, but Nickelback still lives here.

Discuss.

Google Buzz? I'm still trying to find the Google app they advertised on Sunday that lets you impregnate a French chick.

Listening to dubstep songs at night can be eerie.
It just seems like the perfect music to murder me to.

I used to beat up the local milk man, but I found that was awfully lactose intolerant of me.

I enjoy how Valentine's Day is so close to NASCAR season starting. It's as if a person can only be involved in one of them.

I feel strange locking my balcony door on the 18th floor of this condo. Who am I keeping out, Spider-man?

Homeless guy to crowded Subway station: "Valentine's Day is coming, we're all gonna get laid!"

Rodney Dangerfield would have been proud.

I hope people are enjoying Undercover WM Commercial.

Alright Louisiana, we had a deal. You won the Super Bowl. Now quit saying "Who Dat?"

Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be.

Time to play "Name that CSI theme song"

Shouldn't geaux for it

Canadian TV Commercials: 10% Beer, 10% Banks, 9% Vehicles, 70% OMG THE OLYMPICS ARE COMING, 1% Other

Saints need to sceauxre

The Colts' offense is running like a late-model Toyota right now

These "Phil-osophies" are "Phil-tarded"

Where's the "Skip Intro" button?

Canadian commercials during the Super Bowl, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo



ooooooooooooooo




o

It must be weird for that Miami Dolphins stadium to see good football occuring within it

Peyton Manning plans on rocking New Orleans like a hurricane

How to get Canada to like football: Replace grass with ice. Replace cleats with skates. Replace black guys with white guys holding sticks.

Finally found a place to live! An 18th floor condo overlooking the Fraser river in New West. Need help remembering V3M 0C6 as a postal code.

I'm not single, I just date a lot of ninjas

I wonder if Amish people worry if they're being represented fairly on Wikipedia

If I grow drugs in Farmville, can I sell them in Mafia Wars?

Stacker's 6-Hour Power is such a big "screw you" to 5-Hour Energy.

I'm working on "7-Hour Vigor," going to blow both out of the water.

Who's playing the Super Bowl halftime show?

WTF Canada, you are all wayyy too nice to your pedestrians. I just had six lanes of traffic wait so I could cross.

If there is a dollar-sign in your name, I probably don't ¢are about you.

American Idiot is one of those rare musicals where the title itself describes its demographic. Also: Cats

I think Twisted Sister is finally ready to take it.

When it comes to video conferencing, the Skype's the limit

I'm a stranger to love who's unaware of all the rules.

How long has Mayor McCheese been mayor anyways, like 40 years? What kind of a term is that?

I want to go to a strip club and sing "pants on the ground" to the dancers. I'd time how long it takes to get kicked out

Nobody in Canada is outraged that Kurt Warner is retiring, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, HE'S NOT A HOCKEY PLAYER

More like "Catcher in the Die," amirite?

iPad's $499 price-point includes the ability to bitch and moan at the end of the year when Apple slashes hundreds off the original price

Alright everybody, that's enough Apple tampon jokes. We get it.

First person to dress as Moses and put the 10 commandments on two Apple tablets wins the entire internet.

Do you think Jack Bauer ever gets sick of random cliffhangers occurring every 60 minutes of his life?

It's called "The Bachelor" because if you're married and you watch it, it's what your husband becomes.

Somebody needs to tell those people that Obama is not going to personally read the 7,535 comments on his Facebook posts

I can see Russia from my house currently, ugh.. this is so much responsibility.

Not having a remote control is hard. I have to try to convince myself that I like CSI: Miami

There's no remote in my hotel room. This is how the pioneers much have watched television.

Idea for Minneapolis Star Headline Tomorrow: "Hart-breaker"

Is that Favre's last pass ever?

"I'm Jamie Martin and Windows 7 was MY idea" isn't working so far as a pick-up line.

It seems like all of Canada is a Vikings fan by default, which is kind of strange.

Too bad it's going to be Colts vs Saints next month.

You can text the word "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross.

You can text the word "HAITI" to Jamie Martin to confuse me.

My legitimacy has almost gotten to a point where I really should cease.

Guys guys guys, you can call off the search. I've found Fruitopia. It's here in Canada, it's cold and confused, but alive nonetheless.

I'm not saying this "Canada for Haiti" telethon is bad, but I hear Haiti is throwing a telethon to try to help it.

This "Canada for Haiti" telethon could really use George Clooney's help.

We've arrived safe and sound, the train ride was breathtaking. Our hotel room now is amusingly bad, but we won't be staying here for long.

Just arrived in Seattle from Phoenix. Nice to get out of the rain. Wait.. what?

The dude next to me at the airport recognized the sounds of linux booting up on my laptop. It's the nerd version of a secret handshake.

I'm not saying he's obsese, but if I was a Slave Leia I'd stay far far away from him.

Moving to Canada in 3 Days. If anybody wants to hang out before then please get in touch. I'm not doing anything on this rainy Tuesday night

I had some Dippin Dots ice cream today, it gave me 500 tiny headaches.

Hey guys, I have to go.. Jay Leno wants to use this computer.

Why is everybody saying Conan needs our help? I'm pretty sure Conan the Barbarian can handle things on his own.

I somehow made $40 from ads with my blip.tv account. Did this happen to anybody else? I didn't make any scandalous videos in my sleep did I?

The worst part about having a cold? It's really difficult to nail all the high notes when singing "Seasons of Love"

Any Cardinals fans calling Papa Johns and getting a pizza with their free 14 toppings?

Tickets unsold. Will sell them for below face value now. 2 Lower Level 30 yard line tickets for $240 total: http://i.imgur.com/RIuyB.png

I have lower level tickets to the Cardinals playoff game tomorrow next to mine that I'll sell at face value to anybody interested.

"lol" is English's new period at the end of every sentence lol

A person's success in Farmville and their success in life are inversely proportional to each other

I'm impressed Kanye let 2009 finish.