We bought a zoo, in which Matt Damon wonders why a girl would talk to him and Scarlett Johansson is a loser with no friends. #lol

Skyrim is on Sale today. FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-FUS-RO-DA!

Anybody playing SW:TOR? What faction/server? Anybody but Brian because he'll make me roll on the Onyxia of Star Wars

This is the worst time of year to be single

Just heard an old man tell somebody to "go to YouTube and Google it"

In case you missed it, I reposted my Christmas CD here this year: http://livejamie.com/post/14517969106 - Enjoy!

Are you having a tough day? Call 719-26-OATES. I'm serious.

So Pintrest is like a Photo-only version of Tumblr that you can't customize?

I didn't know it was possible to make an awful song with whistling in it, thanks a lot Maroon 5

We thought the donkey was going to give birth but it was a false alarm #farmworldproblems

Arizona borders Colorado. The Cardinals' recent success is obviously the work of Tim Tebow.

Oh my god, Trampoline! Trampoline! https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=214702938604320

Herman Cain learned a valuable lesson: Never hold on to your Pokemon card too long

The signature/handwriting guy on Pawn Stars is the creepiest guy on television

Playing Skyrim has calmed my fears of being a parent. It's nice to know that kids can't die.

Steam sales: Shoe sales for men

I'm thankful tomorrow isn't Thanksgiving

I'm not saying that what Chris Brown did was right, but every time I hear "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place" I understand why

Frosty the Snowman is playing here at Food City. So it begins...

"You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates is currently the #2 song on Hype Machine right now. I'm totally okay with this.

PANDA DEATH KNIGHTS

"I don't have a Facebook" is the new "I don't have a TV"

"I wonder where my friends are checking-in..." - Nobody

I just sprayed all my houseplants with Febreeze. I'm a damn idiot. My house smells faaaaabulous though.

Are you seriously trying to tell me there's a movie about two robots fighting and it's NOT called Rockem-Sockem robots?

I'm pugsitting this weekend, so feel free to drop by my tiny house in Tempe if you'd like to say hi to Kenai or Daisy. It will be madness.

The latest episode of Louie, "Duckling" might be the best episode of television I've ever seen in my life. What an incredible TV show.

Companies hire Social Media Experts, but I wanna be a Company Troll. I'd insult competitors online. "HEY RAY'S PIZZA, U GUYS SUCK LOLOLOL"

There is no greater accomplishment in life then getting all the groceries from car to house in one trip.

Still feeling guilty about the gecko, I have no idea how Casey Anthony does it.

Raid should make an "Ants, Roaches but totally cool with Geckos" Spray. I'd buy it.

To the family of the gecko I inadvertantly killed while spraying for ants this weekend: I'm sorry. You are welcome at my house anytime.

A "digg this" button is the sign of a lazy or non-existant webmaster.

I could really use some alone time this weekend, so I think I'm going to check out that Smurfs movie.

I have Hoarders as a DVD set. I was going to throw it away when I was done, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

When I'm in a club I don't make it rain on the girls, I have a roll of quarters and I make it HAIL.

If the NFL did have a lock-out would the Canadian Football Leauge reluctantly come with?

"Eh, screw it. We'll just use Manny Pacquiao." - HP's Marketing Team

Best birthday gift ever, rain - and the subsequent smell of it on the Arizona concrete.

Am I too white to enjoy Moombahton music?

Created a group on Google+ called "Hell" so now I actually send people to a circle of hell. Dante would be so proud.

LOL has gone from meaning "Laugh out Loud" to "I have nothing constructive to add to this conversation"

Look Google. Unless we're playing Spin the Bottle or Duck Duck Goose, I don't really like putting my friends in circles.

It's 117 degrees, humid and dusty on 4th of July weekend. The terrorists have won.

"This is like if wild horses were painted with lasers." - A random user's comment on my musical selections today

Sometimes I wonder if the other 3 stove burners are jealous of front-left.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE AN INVITE TO MYSPACE?

Hiring a full-time sysadmin, if you or any of your friends are interested have them get in touch.

Its embarassing in the car when a good song comes on the radio and I instinctively reach to click "Awesome" or give it a thumbs-up.

If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. If a guy sleeps with a bunch of guys, he's gay? Talk about double standards.

After they signed the bill into office I'm sure they wrote "No Homo" at the bottom

The passenger air bag switch is nice in case you have a car-seat, or you really hate your passenger and kinda want them to die.

BBW is both the initials for "Bath and Body Works" and its core demographic.

Facebook - The Cannibal's Yelp.com

The hot redhead on Mythbusters is INCREDIBLE, I think their name is Jamie, right?

"Do or do not Dougie, there is no try." - Asking Yoda how to Dougie

I just added MySpace to Tweetdeck, I swear I just saw a tumbleweed roll by.

Are you a back-end hacker in PHX looking for a full-time gig or a side project? Hit me up. Otherwise here's some cats: http://j.mp/mSxcbZ

I wish monkeys could Skype, maybe one day?

I'm going to name my router "Linksys" - Little does anybody in my neighborhood know that it's actually a Belkin router.

A cousin of mine posted "Crossing swords with a hot pirate is basically first base" - this is funnier than anything I'll think of today.

Worst. Rapture. Ever.

"The rapture already happened in southern california... Los Angeles looks like shit!" - Karyn

The rapture has claimed its first victim, Macho Man Randy Savage :(

Did the rapture happen in Australia? Or is that one of those USA-only things?

What's this I keep hearing about Raptors on May 21st?

Pugs: Protecting houses from passing cars for 100 years.

Every girl that I've dated or even been remotely interested in the last 5 years has been OBSESSED with Harry Potter. Why is this?

There is somebody snoring in a bathroom stall at SkySong. Good for them!

8.5 billion divided by 29 million means my Skype account is worth $293.10 to Microsoft - I hope they Paypal me.

Medical Advice on the Internet: YOU HAVE CANCER

Everything is official now. I've taken a job down in Scottsdale and will be moving back to a house in Tempe mid next-week.

My favorite two basketball teams are the Suns and whoever is playing the Lakers

Anybody who says Cinco de Drinko is getting Cinco de Deleted from my friends list

Awesome yelp review: "They use just the right amount of cheese and the toppings seem to be from world 4 of Super Mario Bros 3."

Pickup Line to use on a Writer: "Oh girl, everything you write is fine print."

I bet home invaders really appreciate the stick figure diagram of your family on your minivan. Helps them keep inventory.

If I worked at a grocery store today I'd probably hide all the eggs, also bring back somebody from the dead.

Ladies, I make six figures a year. Action figures.

♬ Earth Day, Earth Day, gotta get down on Earth Day.. ♬

12 people think when you comment on a YouTube video relating to the amount of dislikes that it gets that you're not being funny. Ever.

Glenn Beck and Oprah are leaving TV at the same time? Now who will my Mom listen to?!

4/04 - Day Not Found

If you continue to live-tweet "chopped," you my also end up "chopped."

Heard the sounds of Angry Birds coming from the stall next to me: Don't be droppin birds when you're droppin turds!(TM)

Do you think gay men in relationships like to pull the "I'm Pregnant" joke on April Fool's Day?

Oh man the Gawker layout for April Fools day is hilarious. Wait, I'm being told this is just their normal layout. Nevermind.

I wish my dog was more like R Kelly in the "singer/songwriter" sense and less of the "piss on everything she loves" kind of sense.

I will be shutting down my apartment until they find the Bronx Zoo Cobra.

Since Charlie Sheen is a Warlock, I'd be interested in his thoughts on the Shadow Priest nerf in the upcoming patch.

Crocs is the only brand of shoe whose name describes an animal I'd rather be eaten by before wearing them.

Get that beach a sand castle. Beaches love sand castles.

The two greatest lyricists of our generation should combine to become the Rebecca Black Eyed Peas.

And I ask myself, am I ready for the weekend weekend?

Friday by Rebecca Black is the new Rickroll.

From the guys that brought you Superbad, an animated movie that looks super bad.

Bros before Hos only applies when speaking alphabetically

I'm an IBM Power7 server and I TORONTO????

If Ken Jennings is such a "genius" then why doesn't he just try unplugging Watson? HUMANS WIN!

Query comes in, data goes out. Never a syntax error. You can't explain that.

Hey IBM, if you want people to watch your robot on Jeopardy give him Sean Connery's voice and have him call Trebek's mother a whore

I'm trying to make some Dinner BUT HOW DO YOU PREHEAT A MICROWAVE?

The amount of sexual innuendo that the seafood dept at my local Whole Foods is able to put in its advertising never ceases to impress me

Tonight a computer will compete on Jeopardy, a historical event for AI. Nice for Trebek to give the nerds something to do tonight.

Who's the president now? Pharaoh?

My life's goal is to have @50cent take me to an actual Candy Shop

I bet Sarah Palin is wondering what took Mubarak so long to quit

Cairowned

Denial is a river in Egypt

Not to be out-done by AOL, CompuServ just bought the Drudge Report.

Black Eyed Peas. Take THAT Chinese Opening Ceremonies.

James Franco's character in 127 Hours should have watched more Arrested Development. That's why you always leave a note.

Drunk man at airport keeps telling everybody he sees texting to "Don't fall in the fountain!" Not a fountain in sight, It's awesome.

Yao Ming made the all-star game again! It's nice to see the Chinese people using their Democratic right to vote

Just was passed by the South Lake Union Trolly. That SLUT is fast!

Do you think any of the protest signs say "Walk Like an Egyptian"?

Do you think any of the protest signs say "Walk Like an Egyptian"

How do we REALLY know that Slowbro and Dugtrio AREN'T different species and not just some pokemon hanging out with each other? HUNH?

Mattress commercials aren't believable, these women are way out of all these men's collective leagues.

I'm 99% certain the "Cancel Print" button on the printer is just a placebo