Awesome yelp review: "They use just the right amount of cheese and the toppings seem to be from world 4 of Super Mario Bros 3."

Pickup Line to use on a Writer: "Oh girl, everything you write is fine print."

I bet home invaders really appreciate the stick figure diagram of your family on your minivan. Helps them keep inventory.

If I worked at a grocery store today I'd probably hide all the eggs, also bring back somebody from the dead.

Ladies, I make six figures a year. Action figures.

♬ Earth Day, Earth Day, gotta get down on Earth Day.. ♬

12 people think when you comment on a YouTube video relating to the amount of dislikes that it gets that you're not being funny. Ever.

Glenn Beck and Oprah are leaving TV at the same time? Now who will my Mom listen to?!

4/04 - Day Not Found

If you continue to live-tweet "chopped," you my also end up "chopped."

Heard the sounds of Angry Birds coming from the stall next to me: Don't be droppin birds when you're droppin turds!(TM)

Do you think gay men in relationships like to pull the "I'm Pregnant" joke on April Fool's Day?

Oh man the Gawker layout for April Fools day is hilarious. Wait, I'm being told this is just their normal layout. Nevermind.