Brett Farve is complaining of a cracked rib, you'd complain too if God broke off your rib to make Eve.

I hope we see a Stan Lee cameo in the next Hannah Montana movie.

Snow Leopard, more like Snow Leper, amirite?

Sure it's 110 degrees outside now, but the weather tables will turn! I can't wait to smugly read your tweets about how freezing it is soon.

Snow Leopard is also one of Amy Winehouse's nicknames. She's not into Macs or anything, just cocaine.

Web Designers on a Mac and Web Designers on Windows: Two polar opposites united by a common hatred of Internet Explorer.

I can't believe that construction worker was mocking my car with his big "SLOW" sign. So I sped right the place! That'll show em.

Every IM network has a demographic. College kids use MSN, High Schoolers use AIM, Young Kids use MySpace, Euros use ICQ & Spambots use Yahoo

I had an old job that was a lot like "Mad Men." - We weren't in advertising or anything - The boss was just pissed all the time.

My dad is hosting a live fantasy football draft right now in the dining room. I'm sure these jocks beat up nerdy kids in the 70s for less.

When Dr Dre goes to get checked up, does the nurse say to her boss: "The doctor will see you now?"

Do you think since the Dead Kennedys got a new member the other day - they'll go on tour again?

Spooky: @DJ_AM's last tweet.
Spookier: Newspapers deciding to publish somebody's last tweet.

Well mayor, it seems to me that the earthquake destroyed the entire city. To be fair, it appears that it was built on "rock and roll."

I'm glad Jesus was a carpenter. Because "Jesus the Tailor" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Look pal, unless life is also giving you sugar and water, don't make any more of that crappy lemonade.

"Is something meowing?"
"I don't know, it could be your CAT Cable."
"Jamie shut up."

That Geo Metro is just one "-WNED" short

Mac users are both HOME-less and END-less.

Oh man.. keyboard humor! (It might be time to go home..)

If I go home tonight and try to press the Option key on my PC and end up hitting the Windows key all night - I'm going to punch a baby.

It's a small world. No seriously, look at Jupiter, that thing is gigantic.

My dog is looking at me like "Treats or GTFO."

To the driver of the "Epic Plumbing" van getting off the 60 today: Sorry for giggling at you - But I think your company's name is hilarious.

Designers, stop using Dreamweaver
Just learn to use your paragraph tags and/or divs
placing breaks inside paragraphs is awful

Oh good thing I'm not an employee there, I thought I was going to HAVE to wash my hands.

Lady next to me in Subway ordered a salad with pepperoni and mayonnaise - without missing a beat, the server asked if she also wanted bacon.

Everytime I go to type

I type - I don't even know what the HI tag would do - but damnit I use it a lot.

Ugh, this project makes me want to pull the plug on grandma.

If I ever got in an argument with a friend of mine who was really into Indian music - I'm going to call him "sitarded" - You're welcome.

I think they call it "Safari" because it feels like it was programmed by African Pygmies.

KISS-FM - Playing all of your favorite Black Eyed Peas tracks of the
90s and Today!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Pre-loading, Flash!

It's unfair that "The Clap" & "The Flu" are the only diseases to have an article in front. How do you think that makes "The Arthritis" feel?

My spell check doesn't recognize "douchiest" - which is really... ugh.. what's a good word for it...

This $20 in my pocket makes me the Bill Gates of this Taco Bell.

This job is really cutting into my Twitter productivity.

Sure, you may call them Frosted Mini-Wheats, but I prefer "Tiny Sugary
Brillo Pads."

Why yes, GMail, I _will_ invite Barack Obama to try GMail - that's
change I can believe in!

The book I've been published in "Twitter Wit" goes on sale in bookstores nationwide today. Because people still buy books? http://tr.im/x4Al

Any tips for a budding Windows designer using a Mac for the first
time? Software suggestions, etc?

Getting used to a Mac at the new job.. I already feel significantly
more douchy and self-appreciating. WHEN'S THE NEXT MACWORLD??@!?!1

The family computer is enjoying day #746 of our 30 day trial of WinZip.

Do you back in the day, Mozart was considered Prague Rock?

Do you think Utahraptors were Mormon?

I don't know what's better - sending me a resume with "420" and "gurl" in the email, or that googling said email returns kegstand photos.

Why would anyone hate herpes? The commercials show you get a hot girlfriend, a puppy, and a beachside house.

What's the difference between a legendary Mexican cryptid and a dead rapper's psychic Pokémon? One's a Chupacabra, the other is 2pac's Abra.

Potassium? It's K with me.

I'm having Ramen on Ramadan, or should I say "Ramenadan?" If only I was at a Ramada Inn...

Question: If an interviewer asks me for one of my weaknesses, is "bullets" an acceptable answer?

I really need to start remembering to punctuate my sentences

Today's the start of Ramadan AND the start of Obama's "vacation" - COINCIDENCE??? WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!

I can't decide if a book is more like a transcripted TV show or a really long tweet.

I'm a closet heterosexual.

The weirdest part about Martin Luther King's dream was that his gym teacher from high school was there for some reason.

If I were a coroner I'd list stuff like "ravaged by zombies" as the COD every now and then - just to see if people are paying attention.

ATTENTION (heterosexual) MEN OF THE INTERNET: All the girls are busy watching Project Runway. NOW IS OUR TIME TO STRIKE!

I like my coffe like I like my women. And I don't drink coffee (See, this would be funny if I was gay.)

Some people say that I make bad decisions when I live alone, but this ham, cheese & barbecue potato chip sandwich would beg to differ.

I think that using hyperbole is probably worse than the holocaust.

My friend wanted to start a joint account with me but I declined - I'm not much into marijuana anyways.

Collective nouns for a group of weasels include boogle, gang, pack, and confusion. It's 1am - do you know where your Wikipedia articles are?

VIDEO PIZZA! http://tr.im/wvCE

Fantasy Football, who wants to join a league and get annihilated by me?

The news reports a Texas-sized pile of trash floating in the Pacific. Not to be confused with the Texas-sized pile of trash below Oklahoma.

Typing in all caps can be funny, but I'm not a big proponent of capital punishment.

Sandwhich "Artists?" Really Subway? What else was on this kid's resume? Shopping Cart "Sculptor?" Methamphetamine "Composer?"

I'm almost level 50 in Runes of Magic, it's a MMORPG like WoW or WaR, but free. Wanna play with me? It looks like this: http://tr.im/v6Mj