I have no idea how to use an umbrella, I NEED TO KNOW proper umbrella etiquette. UMBRELLAQUETTE.

"Don't wait. Secure your .CO domain name before someone beats you to it!"

I sincerely doubt that, GoDaddy

Avril Lavigne has a perfume out now? Maybe it smells like 8 years ago.

WATER MUSIC: Aqua, Nickle Creek, Ou Est Le Swimming Pool, Matt Pond PA, Little River Band, Okkervil River, Emerson Lake Palmer, Billy Ocean

50 Cent has quickly surpassed Shaquille O'Neal as my favorite twitterer.

Listening to Justin Timberlake results in sexier CSS code.

The food bank's slogan of "Choose Hope over Hunger" does NOT apply to Scrabble.

Rohypnol and Cake Mix: Surprise Cake!

Guess who I ran into while driving around town with my girlfriend? Cee-Lo! He was pretty rude, actually.

It's California "GURLS" people, get it right!

Just saw a photo of Obama eating pork in Texas the other day. Dude is the WORST Muslim I've ever seen.

Comcast said they'd be here some time between 8 and 12. I told them I'd pay them some time between September and January.

I just learned that Piranha 3D used more fake blood than any other Hollywood film to date, sold yet?

Person I was seeing Piranha 3D with today canceled on me, if anybody in #Seattle wants to go see Richard Dreyfus be amazing, lemme know.

"Serving Suggestion?" More like "False Advertising!"

Who in #Seattle wants to go see Richard Dreyfuss shine his brightest in Piranha 3D with me?

1 in 5 Americans think I'm a Muslim

Designing for a Utah client: "No pictures of people with shorts, tank tops or other suggestive clothing. Family pictures and Utah landmarks are fine."

Every time I see an "Under New Management" sign I read it as "The Old Owners Were TERRIBLE!"

It's 96 degrees here in Seattle. No wonder Kurt Cobain killed himself.

Oh girl, if we were represented on a stock ticker, you'd be Bed Bath & Beyond, because you're my BBBY.

There's a party on the roof right now that's mostly homosexual Asians. Do you think if I wait it out George Takei will show up?

My 5 year plan? Get enough money to open a branch of SpongeBob SquarePants themed car washes.

To handle Seattle tourists you only need to know the answer to one question:

"Hey uh.. so where's that place where they throw the fish?"

Pretty Lights is playing at an incredibly random festival in Page, Arizona called "Powellapalooza" http://9.gp/egq

From Ikea, this is the PRÄNT. Step 1 is already done for you: http://9.gp/egk

The building that I just moved into has a message board used mainly for passive aggression: http://ow.ly/i/3arz

The word "Off" looks like somebody doing the Thriller dance

Cat Dictators, the newest game you should play with your friends! http://9.gp/ee5

"99 problems but a beach ain't one" - BP

He was a very attractive man, in the Newtonian physics sense of the word

Gabe is a very attractive man, in the Newtonian physics sense of the word

"I guess if you were looking from above my body would kind oflook like a lightning bolt?"

Leah and I are getting down to brass tacks.

My being stuck in the Aiport AMA thread on reddit is kinda taking off: http://9.gp/eds

Guys, guys, guys. It's finally happened! http://9.gp/edp