Time spent at a bar can be measured by how many times "Don't stop belivin'" plays per hour.

2/dsbph

The best trip of all time? http://tr.im/Ahb3

After 5 calls, if Guest 21 doesn't pick up his order soon - he's going to find his food has disappeared.

Sincerely Yours,
Guest 23

BrightKite or Foursquare?

I'd like to be a dermatologist with the clinic "Zits or GTFO."

It's probably inappropriate to call these cupcakes "C-Cups."

In my defense, it's about how big they are.

These Tsunami warnings are brilliant viral marketing on Google Wave's part.

When singing Cher's "Believe," if you don't include the echo's on the chorus; you're phoning it in.

This ear-screechingly off-tune karaoke version of "Higher" is slightly less annoying than the Creed original.

Everytime you send a blank email with a non-formatted word doc attached, an angel gets pissed off and doesn't read your email.

Tsunami watch? Tsurely you can't be Tserious!

Quicken Online is automatically sorting some of my purchases into "My Kids."

Intuit knows something I don't.

The Cardinals lose, the Lions win, I take a shower... Yesterday was opposite day or something.

"Your honor, there's no way I commited these crimes on that night. If you would follow me on BrightKite or FourSquare you'd know already."

Almost time for lunch, Om Nom Nom Kippur, amirite?

Yom Kippur is a day of attonement, which doesn't make any sense because there aren't many Jews in The Philippines.

Are real men allowed to consume Activia? I'm asking for a friend.

Am I evil for liking Quicken Online? It seems nice, and it's the only Bank 2.0 site that supports the credit union I use: bank1440.com

Detroit ending their 19-game losing streak against Washington was foretold on the Mayan calendar.

...way in the back.

Oh, "absolutely" no trespassing?

Well if you're being absolute about things, I'll stay out.

♫ Caturday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in cat-ur-day. ♫

I think we could altogether eliminate road rage if we'd just append "LOL" to the end of our signs.

"Yield, LOL" "Children Playing, LOL"

The volcano burrito is $2.99 at Taco Bell.

I guess there's a two-dollar bill wrapped inside?

Annoying things that come in 5s: Maroon, Mambo, Hour Energy, For Fighting, Stages of Grief.

It seems like the Phoenix Mercury are probably going to make the WNBA finals, which is pr..... hahaha just kidding, nobody cares.

Why does Milk feel a need to advertise? YOU'RE ALREADY IN EVERYBODY'S REFRIGERATOR? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? OUR SOULS?


.... ohhhh

If I had a pet bird that flew over the ocean, I'd name it Steven Seagull.

I wonder what Rick Ross is up to today...

"I'm almost done with this, I just need to do some color correction."

"You're going to make the black dude white?"

Sure you think that registered sex offenders are bad, but it's the UNregistered ones you have to watch out for.

I kind of want to start using Bing now just because "bung" is more fun to say than "Googled."

Entourage for the Mac is alright and all, but I'd be a lot better if Jeremy Piven was in this one too.

Why is Drowning Pool so insistent on letting bodies hit the floor?

If somebody wants to pick your bodies up before that point, let it be.

It's nice Facebook came along, before that there wasn't a real outlet for teenagers to post their Jonas Brothers lyrics.

This Woot-Off isn't complete without LeakFrogs. LEAKFROGS, PEOPLE! PAY ATTENTION!

All the meat in this store is on the top shelf. I hate situations like this.

The steaks are so high.

How old should a highway be before you tell it that it's adopted?

This restaraunt promotes "Real Food for Real People" taking a strong anti-cyborg stance. Wise move.

I like taking random occupations and applying them to the "hot buns" pickup line.

By the way, was your father an air traffic controller?

Okay okay, you guys win. Fruit Loops are way more homosexual. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Fruity Pebbles is the most homosexual of cereals.

There's fruit preserves everywhere! My toast is in shambles.

I don't think I was ready for that jelly.

You can tell it's the first day of fall here in Phoenix because it's a brisk 94 degrees.

Gmail's spam filter isn't very effective. I still get email from all my relatives.

I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night.

Well as long as I don't hear any Black Eyed Peas that is.

My fortune cookie today said "Nobody on the internet gives a damn about your fortune cookie."

There must be some sort of humor club meeting for lunch here today. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.

It's called Adobe Reader because you can read a novel while it loads.

Oktoberfest is in September?

Maybe they were too drunk to check the calendar.

Plaxico Burress gets 2 years in jail, which means he's already in contract negotiations with the Philadelphia Eagles.

It should snow today in Colorado, unless Kyle Orton finds some way to screw it up.

"Not to be racist but.." is always followed by something extremely racist, and it's usually somebody Jewish saying it. AMIRITE?

Spoiler Alert: It's not Lupus.

Of the 754 people I follow on Twitter, only 600 are tweeting that House, M.D. starts in a few minutes.

Designers who can write compliant code without the crutch of a WYSIWYG interface.

Why don't you weave me that dream, Dreamweaver?

Paypal deposited a total of 32¢ into my bank account to verify it.

If I can get 3,150,000 more checking accounts, I should be a millionaire.

Somebody said we have "No Carrier" at work today and I told them we just needed to redial with our modem. Nobody laughed.

What a bunch of n00bs.

Little does Lady Gaga know, "Disco Stick" is the name of the rabid gorilla I keep caged in my backyard.

That's one ride she'll never forget.

I want to get a Honda Civic Del Sol and personalize the license plate to say "DEL LOL."

You have a free eBook? Well I'm not eInterested. eGo Away.

When texting in Google Voice and you go over 160 characters, the count itself changes to "Really?"

My crush on Google is enormous.

Doing some edits to this 18 year old's biography here at work and he lists "Member of Society of Gentlemen Scholars"

I want to join so bad.

Tony Romowned

Fun drinking game; Every time they show Jerry Jones, think about how you'll never come close to how rich he is, and drink yourself to sleep.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall of the George W Bush/John Madden luxury suite.

I like knowing I'm the smartest one in the room.

I hope Taylor Swift wins an Emmy tonight.

Miata is the Italian word for "douchebag."

Today is Talk Like a Pirate day, if you're one of the Daylight Saving Time observing Pirates. That extra hour of pillaging goes a long way.

Guys guys, it's TALK like a pirate day, not DRINK like a pirate day.

For International Talk Like a Pirate day, I used Avast! Antivirus, all day.

I wish Rob Base would just rock right now and get it over with already.

Shiver me twitters!

It's International Talk Like a Pirate day.

Good Morning TwitARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I like "Bucca di Beppo." I'll support any restaurant whose name makes it sound like I'm spontaneously beatboxing.

Hung out with a person the other day who used the term "haters" in a serious fashion.

I guess there's a first for everything.

Just saw a "Terrorists Suck!" bumper sticker.

_That'll_ show em!

Here in Phoenix we have a Loop 101, a Loop 202 and a Loop 303.

Our Loop 404 is not found.

Patrick Swayze will be on The View next week, but he can only talk to Whoopi.

(Via http://tr.im/z4Ep)

International Talk Like a Pirate Day falls on a Saturday this year.

Arrr, thank you, God. Gar.

On the way to work I always see this trailer COVERED in 9/11 conspiracy crap.

I want to slash his tires. It's going to be an inside job.

I think it's called the Loop 101 because that's how many accidents occur per month on it.

Dear Pitbull,

Stop. Just... Stop.

Love,
The World

If they ever make a movie about twitter I hope they hire 140 actors to play 140 characters.

This Chemical Brothers album should have been called "Every car commercial, ever."

Either Twitter is down, or my friends have all suddenly passed away.

Currently trying to figure out which one would upset me more.

I have a post-it on my monitor from a previous project that says "No Robots."

I've left it there because it seems like good advice.

"Blind Spot" would be a good name for a band.

Also, a club for visually impaired people.

I completely wrecked myself this morning, which makes sense because I nowhere near checking myself.

Hey #phx people, I looked up this sensation we're feeling tonight. It's called "cold." Weird, right? I'm going to call the cops.

"That's what she said," that's, what she said.

When somebody says "if you will," I usually will.

I want to name a child of mine "Jeeves," just to see if he grows up to be a butler.


Or a search engine.

Zappos puts "mens" in quotation marks and quite honestly, I feel like it's mocking me.

Kanye West wasn't crying about Taylor Swift the other day on Leno.

He was crying because Jay Leno has a TV show again.

Crappy designers choose .GIF

Little known fact: The "PT" in "PT Cruiser" stands for "Pathetic Transportation."

Off-the-record, whoever leaked Obama calling Kanye a jackass off-the-record is a jackass.

By the time this Rapidshare file finishes, I could've flown to Germany, punched Rammstein in the face, burned the file and flown home.

Taylor Swift won a game of solitaire today, don't tell Kanye West.

I'm such a 127.0.0.1 wrecker

YO TUESDAY, I LOVE YOU AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT FRIDAY IS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF ALL TIME

I think people should be described like Olive Oil: Virgin and Extra Virgin.

These emails from GoDaddy's sales team need to stop.

You'd think they're my kids at the pool or something, asking me to watch them dive.

Jay Leno is the Brett Favre of late-night TV.

"Kidskin" leather? Who made these shoes, cannibals?

Tonight has been one of the best doubleheaders I've ever seen, welcome back football!

LaDainian Tomlinson must have been ~CrAZee.4.sWaYzEe~ - he doesn't seem to be himself tonight.

Has anybody completely switched over to Google Voice 100% yet? I think I'm going to cancel my T-Mobile text message plan this week and try.

YO PATRICK SAWYZE I KNOW YOU DIED AND ALL AND IMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH WAS THE BEST THIS YEAR

"Automatic Booth Review" would be a good name for a band.

Patrick Swayze is _really_ getting prepared for Ghost II, it seems.

Good work guys with the Mafia invites, because I'm sure those are the type of people that appreciate their life being turned into a game.

Obama's response? "Kanye west acted stupidly."

It's a good thing we have twitter for spreading all that Kanye information last night, like I'd ever watch the VMAs?

This project at work is getting a little frustrating, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

The woman was a lot like her file-system: FAT and 32.

"Knock Knock"

Who's there?

"Interrupting Kanye"

Inter- YO I'M GOING TO LET YOU FINISH YOUR KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE BUT @ADAMISACSON IS THE BEST

I finally saw what everybody was talking about with the FedEx logo.

There's a spoon under the "E" - I'll never be able to unsee it.

I can't get any work done today, Kanye West keeps interrupting me.

"The only award I'd give Taylor Swift is for having a rat-face." - My Mom

Kanye West Doesn't Care About White People

Kanye West just pulled a Joe Wilson at the VMAs tonight.

This Red Zone channel on DirecTV is hilarious.

Who the hell has this kind of an attention span?

OMG FOOTBALL GUYS

Crying? No I'm not crying.

It's allergies.

Leave me alone.

Go away now.

Fake meat is a "feat."

WWJD - What would Jamie do(TM)

Apparently I've listened to "PopoZão" enough to where K-Fed actually came on my last.fm station today.

You win this round, internet.

"Sir, I don't care how much this 'shorty' was 'burning up the dancefloor.' It still doesn't condone the abuse of this city's 911 system."

I wonder if A&E's "Hoarders" wants to come take a look at my MP3 library. It would be a moving episode.

The oldest person in the world dies YET AGAIN today. There's something about that title...

I think prisoners should get to use the internet, but it should be AOL from the early 90s.

They can make it say "You've got bail!"

Michael Jordan, the greatest White Sox baseball player of all time was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame today.

There's a lime-green Smart Car being displayed front and center at the Scottsdale Bently dealership. It looks very lost and very scared.

It's 9/11 today? Crap, I forgot.

Instead of calling my css id "#wrapper," I'm calling it "#rapper" - HELL YEAH IT'S FRIDAY, I'M CRAZY

Update: The #gangplank poker tournament is being played with cards, NOT fireplace pokers. Dang :(

Hahaha I get it, ok.. but seriously guys? Seriously?

You lie.

I prefer my Rodgers, my Ranchers, my Doms and my Santa Clauses all the same way: Jolly

This afternoon I let my emotions get the best of me, While I disagree with the cashier's total, my comments were inappropriate & regrettable

Taco Bell Lady: That will be $3.61, please.
Me: YOU LIE!

Taco Bell Lady: That will be $3.61, please.

I bet Rudy Giuliani is excited tomorrow is 9/11

Mac users can't handle resizing windows from places other than the lower right corner, the reality of the situation would blow their mind

When Joe BIDEN is shaking his head at something stupid that came out of your mouth, you know that you've messed up.

Joe Wilson also @-replied @BarackObama, but it didn't carry the same weight.

Hey Chris Brown, they're playing you again on the radio - so we're cool, right? (Please don't hit me..)

When I'm rich I'm going to hire Chris Hanson to be my butler, just so I can have him ask all my friends "to have a seat right there."

I won't allow myself to listen to Obama's speech tonight, I will be staying home.

I usually don't condone making fun of the mentally retarded but in Glenn Beck's case I'll make an exception.

Deep in Mountain View, CA - a team of Google Maps engineers works day and night to see how many superfluous U-turns they can get me to take

"My partner and I" = ALERT ALERT, THESE PEOPLE ARE GAY

Do you think the farmers who own Apple orchirds are really snooty toward other farmers?

I have a friend that doesn't watch TV, I know this because he tells me like twenty times a day.

I'd like to make pop music, but it seems really expensive to get Lil Wayne to sing on the chorus of every song you do.

My boss wanted to give me a speech this morning about setting goals & doing good at my job, but I don't think my parents wanted me to listen.

While all the dweebs at work were out partying and spending time with friends, they didn't even know Gmail came out with new themes! Losers.

"Labor Day" was originally spelt "Labour Day" - but spelling it with the extra U is so much work...

Trader Joe's is owned by a giant German conglomerate? Traitor Joe's!

The best part of watching King of the Hill with my family is that I'm pretty sure they don't think the show is satire.

If Miley Cyrus' song doesn't get out of my head soon there is going to be a Mass-murder in the USA.

Does anybody want to be friends?

I could use a friend or two, I'm really nice.

I like the Daily Show, Lolcats, Applebees, Card Games, Road trips, Singing Disney songs in the car, Concerts, etc.

Inquire within.

I bet cats are happy the internet was invented.

If I was an action star I'd wear penny loafers. That way I could roundhouse kick somebody in the face and say "That's my two cents worth."

"Few people can accurately say they've changed the course of music; count T-Pain among that short list." Yeah... how about no...

You could tell the photographer was a nerd because he'd yell "Boom, Headshot!" after every snap

Red Lobster is running its Endless Shrimp promo this month in conjunction with my Endless Ramen one.

Arizona State is playing Idaho State tonight becauase I can only assume none of the community colleges returned our calls.

The game in Tucson tonight has been canceled due to lightning - and probably because U of A sucks.

Devocrinologist - (n) A doctor who frequently checks new wave band Devo for cancer.

I hope I never have a girlfriend who looks at all like anybody's boyfriend, in February of last year or any month for that matter.

Any ladies out there with the last name "Font?" Looking to start a family? I don't care about your weight or your style.

All of my tweets should be read as they're composed, auto-tuned.

A site I'm working on links to this: http://ablhoops.com

It's the most epic site ever. It even uses the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Font!

The Crunk Rapping Guide 2.0: The word Ho rhymes with Blow, Bro, Dough, Flow, Fro, Go, Grow, Know, Oh, Pro, Show, Slow, So, Throw, Woah, & Yo.

Just because it's called Flash, doesn't mean it has to Flash.

Woah, for a second there I forgot about Dre.

Playing the "Who has the .FLA" scavenger hunt game at the office.

.FLA = 3/4 of "Fail" for a reason.

Wouldn't it be great if the Scooby Doo gang took off Kim Jong-Il's mask and it was Dick Cheny the whole time?

A pedometer should measure how much a man likes little girls.

They played LMFAO's "I'm in Miami, trick" this morning on the radio - silly monkeyfighting censors.

When you get excited over a Pedobear widget for your phone and it turns out to be a Pedometer, it's probably time to go to bed.

The requirements for "The Sims" list off a 233 MHz Processor, 32 MB of RAM, 4x CD-ROM drive and DirectX 7. I guess they forgot "A vagina."

I'm going to put "reticulating splines" on my timesheet today. I hope it doesn't upset any of my advisors.

Apple is so good at trolling its own developer community.

Nearly impaling your jugular on a rogue toothpick in the middle of a sandwich would be a cool way to go, right? Right?!

The FDA found an entire frog in a can of Diet Pepsi. The gross part of the story? I can't think of a single "frog" soda pun to go with it.

My cell phone works again, feel free to send me silly things - (480) 559-4119

This PowerBar's disgusting flavor has enraged me, I have so much energy now.

Today's morning radio wackiness will permanently ensure that I will never ever ever forget to charge my MP3 player again.

There was a fender-bender on the way home. Don't worry, everybody on the freeway stopped to get a good look.

I wonder when Sara Bareilles is going to write me a love song.

That pack of kids was lucky the sign said "stop for pedestrians" - I was ready to mow down some children.

Jim Breuer's career is officially over.. ka-boom!

When Gmail goes down today - we should all play Scrabble.

I run Mac at work, Windows at home, and the laptop is running Linux. I even have a machine running DOS in my closet. (It's shy.)

What's the most outlandish thing I can blame on the Gmail outage today? I'm going to try a speeding ticket.

This site i'm updating says it requires "Internet Explorer 4.0" - I think it also requires a ZIP drive and a Chumbawamba CD.

I worked at a tie-dye factory once. It was a red/orange/yellow/green-collar job.

I'd make a joke about Opera 10 coming out, but you should never piss vikings off.

These Halloween decorations at the store ensure it's going to be a spooky September indeed.